Disclaimer: I collected these jokes from other sources. I realize that some of them may be offensive to some people. These jokes in no way express my views or those of the University of Denver. If you don't like them, ignore 'em. :)
If you know of any light bulb jokes that do not appear on this list, send them to me and I'll include them.
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!
Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to assume the existence of ladders. Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen. A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But it takes a long time. And it only works if the light bulb wants to change. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. Ya ain't got no problem with that, do ya, honey? Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just redefine the standard to "Dark". How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb. How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100,00 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. But they're really only one. How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, an Arab, twenty Swiss, an Afgan, and Oliver North to help him. How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turns itself in. How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? * Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. * That depends on whether it has help insurance. * Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb. How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? * Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. * Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. * Three. One to change it, and two to secretly wish they were the socket. How many fundalmentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? * Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. * It all depends on the size of the grant. * Two, and a professor to take credit. How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb? * You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington? * All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Into what? How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? * None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. * Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? * Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into a water faucet. * Five. One to change the bulb and four to file and Enviromental Impact Statement. * One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to to order the bulb, a clerk to foward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb... * Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. * None. We contract out for things like that. How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb? With what degree of certainty do you need to know? How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll tell everyone. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, becausde people who glow int the dark don't need light bulbs. How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? * Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it. * None. That's what grad students are for. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? * None. That's a hardware problem. * Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many psychoanaysts does it take to screw ina m light bulb? How many do you think it takes? How many Radcliffe girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's "Women", and that's not funny! How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. A real women would have pleny of real men around to do it. How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, but two if by feel. How many Russian Leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change itself. How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. How many valley girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure. How many testers does it take to change a light bulb? We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems. How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. How many Management Information System guys does it take to change a light bulb? MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as the next technician becomes availible, you will be contacted. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb? We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch? How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Three: two holding the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into a faucet. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. How many C++ programmers does it ake to change a light bulb? You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send it a light bulb change message. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb? We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight. How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb? It depends on how many burned-out lightbulbs he brought with him. How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user. How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb? Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000. How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention. How many people does it take to throw away one WATT bulb? Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple. How many Zen Masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Zen Masters are illuminated by their own inner light. How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"