GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- 1977 2000 34. 03/01/92 "1977 2000" (212) Writer: Charlie Kaufman / Director: David Mirkin Chris makes a time travel drink to go back in time, in an attempt to prevent Gus from being thrown off the police force for taking a leak on his captain. Unfortunately the alternatives turn out to be worse. Kevin ............. Ron K. James Young Chris ....... Bo Sharon Captain Block ..... Art Kassul LIVING ROOM CHRIS -- Gus, cool. You're battling you're alter-ego. GUS -- No kid, I'm watching old super-eight footage of me beating the snot out of some slimey alleged jay-walking punk bastard pinko. CHRIS -- Oh bravo! (laughs) This is brilliant cinema, Gus. You don't suppose it might be an early work of our national treasure Mario Van Peebles do you? GUS -- No, some nosely passer-by shot it. You'll see me kicking the snot out of him in the second reel. CHRIS -- My favorite movie star looks so serene there beating in the skull of that old lady. GUS -- I was happy then. CHRIS -- And now you have no one to beat up...except young Master Chris. Here me lord I'm at your service, go ahead relive your glory days. GUS -- Naw, too easy. CHRIS -- Oh, my dear sweet fellow. I now realize that you really do miss the life of a peace officer, don't you? GUS -- Naw, I'll tell you the truth kid, being on the force was a pain in the butt aside from that license to kill. I mean serve and protect, serve and protect, serve and protect. CHRIS -- Kinda like being a security guard at a volleyball game, right? Don't you see Gus, you were somebody back then. Now you're nothing but a pathetic, alcoholic, laughing stock. GUS -- Woah, that is hardly nothing. CHRIS -- I mean, think about it you're ugly and you're doughie and bursting with love like some kinda rancid wedding cake that was left out in a terrible rain storm by a drifter who's smelly named "Hank" who lives in a storm drain and he wears five pairs of pants even though it's summertime and he'd be much more comfortable wearing five pairs of shorts. GUS -- Well, when you put it that way, it does sound kinda bad. CHRIS -- Yeah, and everytime I think about the way you were kicked off the force that really burns me. (laughs) How did that happen again? Will you tell me one more time? Ooowah. (Gus shoves Chris off his lap) Ooo GUS -- I tell you this damn story every night. CHRIS -- Yeah, and I forget it every day. GUS -- Allright, but this is the last time, so listen up. In 1977 I got kicked off the Police force because when I got passed over for a promotion I sorta....took a whiz on the Captain...by way of protest. CHRIS -- Hm. (Chris raises his hand) GUS -- What? CHRIS -- Um well two things really. Um one, wouldn't it have been better to discuss your complaint with the Captain and....how many days has September? GUS -- Sometimes you really give me the heebeegeebees. I didn't talk to the Captain because I was half blotto and I didn't want to hurt my case with slurred speech. Peeing seemed the safest way to make the point. It was a judgement call. CHRIS -- (weeps) That's such a sad story. You poor misunderstood angel. GUS -- Aawh, it's water under the bridge...so to speak. (laughs) CHRIS -- (laughs) That's a very good joke, because water is another word for urine. Hey, I feel a brilliant idea coming to the surface. What if a certain fairy god best friend went back in time and made everything allright again? GUS -- Go back in time? No. Listen, I saw this Twilight Zone once. This guy goes back in time to keep his young son from getting killed in a car accident, but when he returns to the present the kid had become the evil fascist ruler of the world enslaving millions. The dad felt lousy. You get my point? CHRIS -- Does it have something to do with flossing? GUS -- Wrong. I'm telling you, you mess with the past, you get screwed over. CHRIS -- Oh sure. No, I understand Gus. Yeah no, the past, terrible thing to mess with. No, I'd never do that. That would be a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad thing for Chris to do. GARAGE CHRIS -- (laughs) Luckily I had my fingers crossed. (laughs) Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get them uncrossed and then I'll zoom back into time and save Gus' career. Hm. (pulls down instructioin to cross and uncross fingers) Uh mm bum bum bum bum. Now, how to travel. Hm well, running like a girl at the speed of light usually works. Oh no, my lacey anklets are still in the wash. Oh, oh hey, I could use this nifty time machine. Oh, I don't want to disturb the cute family of racoons living inside. DRIVEWAY CHRIS -- I could use my friend Steve's Delorean. Oh but no, the left blinker is out. And a hand signal at that speed would rip off my Lee Press-ons. Hm. GARAGE CHRIS -- Hmm. Hmm TIME TUNNEL CHRIS -- Hm. There's always the Time Tunnel. Naah, they still don't have the bugs out of it yet. And they're really big bugs too. And sometimes they fly. Also, this thing makes me dizzy. GARAGE CHRIS -- Hm. I know, I'll make a time travel drink. Okay let's see here. A few watches, a little sundial, a little thyme, okay, cover of Time magazine,hm hmm, a couple of stones from Stonehenge. Okay here we go. Op jeeze, I almost forgot the essential ingrediant, a precious lock of Michael J. Fox's hair. (laughs) Okay. Dee dee de etc. (blends in blender) Okay. Let's give this a shot. (laughs) Mm. oh yeah (laughs) Let's try ya. Mmm mm mm. Delicious. Could use a little more banana. Next time. Okay well ho mm a little time travel music please.. mm hm and away we go. TIME TRAVEL ZONE CHRIS -- Wow, this is so cool, (laughs) Hey, watch it you Neanderthal. Hi King. Who are you supposed to be? Oh, this is where I get off. 1977 ("Car Wash" plays in background) GUS' FRONT YARD CHRIS -- Whoo. 1977 (laughs) How do I know I arrived on the right day? Oh (paper is thrown at his feet) Great. Oh yeah I did. Terrific, thanks. Hey, that's me from the past. YOUNG CHRIS -- That's me from the future. LIVING ROOM KEVIN -- Well, here we are Gus, a couple of wild and crazy guys, getting small together, huh? GUS -- Shut up with that catch-phrase crap, will ya Kevin? This decade is bad enough without having to watch you wallow in it's idiocy every second. KEVIN -- Sorry Gus. GUS -- Got any more of that "Billy Beer?" KEVIN -- Yeah. GUS -- Where the hell's that Captain of ours? KEVIN -- Ah, I think he's out in the garage with all you illegal alien friends betting on the cock fights. GUS -- Bastard. He drinks my liquor, he bets on my cocks he gets off on my weekly strip shows but when promotion time come around he passes over me just like that Jewish holiday where they have to eat crackers for a week. KEVIN -- Look ah, you gotta let him know how you feel, pal. So hey, may the force be with you (laughs) Police force that is. Huh? (laughs) GUS -- I gotta show him how tee-d off I am, but how? KEVIN -- Ah, spill a drink on him.? GUS -- Nah, passe. KEVIN -- No? ah, run a garden hose on him? GUS -- No, but along those lines. KEVIN -- Okay ah, fill a turkey baster with warm water tinged with yellow food coloring and squirt it at him? GUS -- Mm, not quite it. (Chris enters) Who the hell are you? CHRIS -- (voice over) Mm. I'd better state my purpose very carefully so's not to confuse these men of long ago. CHRIS -- Um, I'm a superior god-like creature from the future and I've come back to your era using a special time-drink that I call Time Juice, patent pending, and I'm here to stop you from making a terrible and tragic mistake. GUS -- Get lost, you psycho before I beat you to a bloody pulp while my partner here films it. CHRIS -- Yes, I didn' think you'd believe me, that's why I brought along this...bam. GUS -- Michael Jackson? What the hell does that prove? I've got that same exact photo in my locker down at the station house. CHRIS -- Well swallow this. By my time, this young man will be whiter that my underpants. Okay, my underpants is a bad example, but somebody's underpants. He will also have a nose that you could cut cheese on. GUS -- That's insane. CHRIS -- Yeah, I probably should have brought the after picture. CAPTAIN -- Hey, Borden. Hey, you're cock-fights suck, you bastard. GUS -- Captain. CHRIS -- Oh no. El momento of trutho. Gus, whatever you do, please do not take a leak on the Captain GUS -- Hey, that's good. I like that. I get to release all this bitterness inside me and it's not like the Captain would kick me off the force for such a minor infraction. Hey mister, maybe you are a Star-Man after all. Oh Captain Block?(Gus reaches for his fly) CHRIS -- Oh stop that. Put that. Put that back.Oh GUS -- Jeeze, not only is this guy a psycho, he's also a pervert. I guess I'll have to off him. (Gus shoots Chris who stands in front of the Captain) CHRIS -- Oh ow ah. Hey, hey nothing. (laughs) I guess you can't hurt me because I'm not of your time. Cool. (laughs) Well, now that I've changed your life for the better as well as gently guided you sweet throbbing civilization towards peace, I can now take my leave. No need to thank me. Bye bye. KEVIN -- Jeeze Gus, you killed the Captain. GUS -- Damn, I hate the Seventies. TIME TRAVEL TUNNEL CHRIS -- Boy, Gus should really put a stop on his newspaer delivery when he goes away fro the week-end. Well I'll just amuse myself until his eminent return by making some of my fun newspaper hats from all the nations. (reads "Gus Borden Executed") Oh no, this is worse than the way it used to end up. Gus was right about the Twilight Zone. Oh boy, and if he were still alive right now he'd be laughing at me, and then he'd be making fun of me, and he'd be mean to me, and then he'd probably punch me. I miss Gus so much. Well I've got to save him. Once again I have got to brave the icy clutches of traveling through time to save my dearly departed friends electrocuted butt. TIME TUNNEL CHRIS -- Oh hey, eeaya. What the hell? (laughs) Wow. Well that just confirms my theory that a futuristic race of super-goats will travel back in time to present day in order to train a militia of regular goats to take over the world. And they laughed me off the stage at the U.N. (Car Wash theme) Oh, I can here 1977 comng up. GUS YARD CHRIS -- Boy, this time traveling sure gives me gas. YOUNG CHRIS -- Hello again. Screw up last time? CHRIS -- Yeah, I accidentally got a guy executed. (both laugh) YOUNG CHRIS -- Hey, while you're still here, can I ask you a couple questions about my furture? CHRIS -- Shoot. YOUNG CHRIS -- Will I lose my hair? Will I ever be able to travel through time? Will I get a guy executed by mistake? Will I meet myself from the future? CHRIS -- Well jeeze, how the hell do I know, I'm not Dick Cavett. Get the hell outta here. (Kicks young Chris and feels it seconds later) Cool. (laughs) Showtime. LIVING ROOM KEVIN -- Fill a turkey baster with warm water tinged with yellow food coloring and squirt it at him? GUS -- Mm, not quite it. (Chris enters) Who the hell are you? CHRIS -- (voice over) Mm. The last time I really upset them with my blunt truths of time travel. Id better come up with a sweet little baby story so they don't think I'm a raving psycho. CHRIS -- Ooo ooo I'm the ghost of Christmas yet to be. GUS -- Get lost you raving psycho. CHRIS -- Damn, changing the past is harder than I thought. Well, everything will be okay as long as I don't put the idea of whizzing on the Captain in your head. GUS -- Hey, that's a good idea. Hey mister, maybe you are a star-man after all. CAPTAIN-- Borden. Hey your cock fights suck you bastard. GUS -- Captain? CHRIS -- Get the hell out of this house. CAPTAIN -- You, what the hell...? CHRIS -- Don't you understand? You could get shot or, or worse number one-ed on. Either way it's going to ruin a perfectly good leisure suit. GUS -- That nutcase is trying to kill the Captain. I'd better shoot him. CHRIS -- No.(Gus karate chops Chris, gun goes off) Ooh, Ugh. I'd thought we had established that I couldn't get hurt in 1977. CAPTAIN -- Gus, you proved your loyalty to my by saving my life and for that there's only one way to thank you, Sgt, Borden. GUS -- I love you Captain Block. CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) Oh, well, all's well then. (laughs) It's okay, don't thank me. Don't thank me. I don't need thanks. My only thanks is the pitter patter of little children running up to bed with full bellies. KEVIN -- Let's take that simp downtown and beat an armed robbery confession out of him, huh? GUS -- Captain? CAPTAIN -- It's your party Gus. CHRIS -- Aaeegh. TIME TRAVEL TUNNEL (1992) FRONT YARD CHRIS -- Ah, perfect,(laughs) The house is just as I left it. GARAGE CHRIS -- Ah good, home sweet home. And it looks better than new. Mm, for some reason my bed is missing. That's odd. Oh Gus, I'm home. GUS -- Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, hold your horses. (Gus walks in as a woman) CHRIS -- Aaagh oh. GUS -- What's the matter, you don't like the dress? CHRIS -- You look like a girl. GUS -- I am a girl. CHRIS -- I don't understand. GUS -- Look pinhead, I'm sick of explaining this to you every day. CHRIS -- Could you go over it one more time, you know for old time sake? GUS -- It all started when I got promoted to Sgt many years ago. Suddenly I was privy to more graft than ever. You'd have to be St. Francis the Sissy to resist such temptation. The Ssimeball Captain ran a sting operation on me that sent me up the river for twenty years. Well, the only way to get early was to volunteer for scientific experimentation. So I let them practice a sex-change operation on me before they went and did those gay guys in Sweden CHRIS -- Well, that's, that's very sad for you but I have to run right now. GUS -- Wait there's more. I was a lonely woman until you came looking for a place to live. We became lovers. CHRIS -- Ohugh! Oh please Gus, ugch, unh. GUS -- Call me Gussy. We had a whirlwind romance, got married, the whole storybook. CHRIS -- So are are, you telling me that you're a complete woman I mean all the parts in, in working order? GUS -- Well, I still have a beard problem but nobody's perfect. Come on, give mama a kiss. CHRIS -- No. GUS -- Suit yourself Romeo but I am as hot as a cat on a tin roof so hall your butt into the boudoir. CHRIS -- Ah yeah, I'll be there in a second. Darling I just ah, I want to slap on a little Brut. Oh dear lord, please let there be a little Time Juice left. I'll never ask you for anything else my whole life. Oh, thank goodness. (laughs) Well, now that I have your attention, there is this waffle maker downtown I've had my eye on.... GUS -- I'm waiting Chrissy and I'm modeling that new Camesol from Victoria's Secret. CHRIS -- You're right, I was getting a little greedy there wasn't I? TIME TUNNEL KEVIN -- ..tinged with yello food coloring and squirt it at him? GUS -- Not quite it. (Chris enters) Who the hell are you? CHRIS -- Ah, a relative, by marriage. Now look, all I gotta to say to you is you have got to make water on your Captain. GUS -- Hey, that's a good idea, mister. What are you some kind of Starman or somthing? CAPTAIN -- Hey Borden. Hey your cock fights suck you bastard. GUS -- Why you. (reaches for his fly) I just can't do it mister I, I guess I haven't got it in me. CHRIS -- Of course you do. Come on, you've got a big strong full bladder in there, use it, use it like the wind, or so help me you'll be sorry. GUS -- Exactly what are you saying? CHRIS -- If you don't evacuate on the goodly Captain over there, you're future will be thus. (shows Chris and Gussy wedding photo) GUS -- Holy crap! I don't know what kind of hell demon you are buddy, but I'd whizz on Mother Theresa to avoid that fate. (Gus pees with a face of pure satisfaction) CAPTAIN -- (slugs Gus) You're off the force, Borden. CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) Oh boy well. (laughs) All's well that ends wet. (laughs) That's just a little play on Shakespeare fellas, you know to ease the tension, here. (laughs) Come on, what is this an audience (laughs) or a bunch of angry cops glaring at me and...going for their guns? (laughs) No but seriously folks, I leave you with this one thought. (laughs) Why do you think they call it dope? (laughs) No but ah, you've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight and God bless. Moowah. (blows kiss and laughs) GARAGE 1992 CHRIS -- Oh, okay, so far so good. Hm. Now for the acid test. Oh Gus, I'm home. GUS -- Hey, wait till you see this new Victoria's Secret underwear. CHRIS -- Aaaagh hoo hoo ooh ooh ooh ooh. GUS -- What the hell's the matter with you? Your not still afraid to look at half-naked babes in mail-order catalogues are you? CHRIS -- Oh no Gus, not at all. That was just a blood-curdling scream of joy. (laughs) I'm so happy to be home. And ya know, I don't think it's so bad to go back in time and mess with the past, because in the end everything worked out perfectly. (door knocks) Excuse me I'll get it. (laughs) Hi can I help you with something? Aaagh aagh aagh aagh. GUS -- What's the matter kid, don't you know the world's full of two-headed walking dead zombies who all look like Sharon? SHARON -- Must kill and eat Chris. CHRIS -- I think maybe I should close the door, she looks a tad hungry. Oh man, this one's going to be a doosie to fix. Gus, I have to go away on a little buisiness trip. I may be gone for quite a while. Eew, that tastes weird. Uh oh, wrong bottle. ("Juice That Makes You Explode" Chris explodes) GUS -- Ugh. I'm not cleaning that up. THE END