GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- DADICUS 3. 10/07/90 "DADICUS" Writer: Marjorie Gross / Director: Tony Dow In an effort to preserve his status among the paperboys, Chris persuades Fred to compete in the annual father & son paperboy tournament. It seems that things have changed quite a bit since their old days of sack races and egg-carrying however. Dr. Kramer ........ Earl Boen Fletcher .......... James Hampton Otto .............. David Tom Rick .............. Clint Carmichael Guy Henry ......... Paul Coufos Eddie ............. Wesley Jonathan Billy ............. Bo Sharon RESTAURANT (CHRIS with other Paperboys) CHRIS -- ....incredible. She wasn't one of these earthy natural types either, you know what I mean? I mean her beauty came from loads and loads of makeup. So anyway P.S. I find out she's married, just out for a cheap thrill. (laughs) I mean we're all been there right? EDDIE -- Why didn't you just push her in the mud? CHRIS -- Well don't you think I tried that? BILLY -- You're so cool. WAITRESS -- So any of youse boys ready. CHRIS -- Yeah. ah Broccoli...all around BILLY -- Yuck EDDIE -- Ugh man. OTTO -- I'll have a powdered helly donut. CHRIS -- Why don't you just take a handful of lard, roll it in some ground glass, dip it in a cup of drain-o, cause that's exactly what you're doing to your arteries. He'll have a branmuffin. I'll have a chocolate milk CHRIS -- Look let me save you the money. Why don't you just go out to your daddy's car, open up the hood, pull out the battery, hold it over your head and chug-a-lug cause that's exactly what you're doing to your body. BILLY -- Make it two brain muffins. CHRIS -- Kids, you're never too young to start taking after your health. EDDIE -- I'll have a double decker sundae with chocolate syrup. CHRIS -- That actually sounds pretty good I think I'll have one of those too. OTTO -- Hey Eddie, My Dad an I are going to waste you and your Dad next Saturday. EDDIE -- You're going down Otto. My Dad and I will tear out your guts and scramble them like eggs. CHRIS -- Hey hold it. You know I don't like that kind of talk....eggs incredibly high in cholesteral. OTTO -- Chris, we're talking about the competition. CHRIS -- The competition? OTTO -- The Newspaperboy Semi-annual Father and Son Day. CHRIS -- Oh yeah, the old Father and Son Day. Yeah, my Dad and I used to enter that all the time. BILLY -- Are you entering this year? CHRIS -- (laughs) No. I think that would be a little unfair competition...kinda like Meryl Street showing up at Star Search. OTTO -- What he's trying to say is that he's too old. EDDIE -- Yeah. CHRIS -- No Otto, what I'm trying to say is I got better things to do, okay? adult things like ah, playing with matches....and ah eating candy from strangers.. yeah that's right strangers...who by the way have the best candy, but I guess you wouldn't know that, would you? WAITRESS -- Here's your food doughboys. OTTO -- Hey um Billy, can I borrow a buck? CHRIS -- Did you just call me a chicken? OTTO -- No. I need a buck. CHRIS -- Buck.. as in buck buck as in chicken clucking noises, right go ahead deny it? OTTO -- I wasn't calling anybody a chicken, but maybe you are? CHRIS -- Uh huh, I see what's going on here. I can read your silent little stares. My status as your god-like role model's in danger, isn't it? You're all just daring me to enter that contest. OTTO -- Go ahead and enter, my Dad and I will wipe the floor with you anyway. We win every year. CHRIS -- Is that so, Mr Russian Hockey Team? Well alright, you just threw down the gauntlet. From here on in, I'm in training. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna pull out the Nautilus, I'm gonna slather myself up with Ben Gay, I'm gonna put on the Keds and run maybe twelve miles. Can I get a little more chocolate sauce on this? And by Saturday I'm gonna be looking like Buster Crabbe. EDDIE -- Isn't he dead? CHRIS -- Well, I look like him before he died. EDDIE -- Wasn't he like ninety-years-old? CHRIS -- How do you even know who Buster Crabbe is? You're ten-years-old and you know who Buster Crabbe is? That's sick! KITCHEN FRED -- ...it's hard to see through all this damn syrup. GLADYS -- Breakfast has become so much more interesting since we got these Presidential Commerative Plates. I knew we'd enjoy them but never to this extent. FRED -- Gladys was Jefferson assasinated? GLADYS --No, of course not. FRED -- Uh I guess it's a chip in the plate. CHRIS -- Hey Dad, look what I found while I was rumaging throughtthe attic. It's your old potato sack. GLADYS -- Oh look Fred it's your old racing sack from the newspaperboy Father and Son games. FRED -- Gladys I thought we had the attic sealed up after our "Exorcist" panic. CHRIS -- Dad remember? This is the one we lost the trophy with back in 65, and then we came back to lose again in 66 and then we really pulled it together in 68 when you ruptured a disc. GLADYS -- Boy does that brings back memories. FRED -- Yeah like being humiliated and spit on. CHRIS -- (laughs) Dad do you ever miss it? I mean the thrill of competition, the wind in your hair, as you hop down the field eating the dust of your betters? GLADYS -- And remember you were both quite pitiful in the egg races too. CHRIS -- That's right. Do you ever think about maybe, I don't know, reliving those glorious failures of yesteryear? FRED -- No, never CHRIS -- That's what I thought and that's why I've signed us both up for the Newspaperboy Father and Day. GLADYS -- Oh Fred. FRED -- Are you out of your mind? I would never, repeat never, put myself through that living hell again. CHRIS -- Dad come on. That was back then, you know you weren't really in the best of shape back then. I mean now you're in your mid to late sixties your fifty to twenty pounds heavier your cholesterol's up and you've got those really tough hard arteries. You're an animal now Dad. GLADYS -- I think it's a wonderful idea, Fred. And I think it would be nice if you two did something together for a change FRED -- What? Gladys, it's not like that "Cat's in the Cradle" song, he's lived here for thirty years. CHRIS -- Boy you really know what buttons to push, Dad. GLADYS -- I don't want you two drifting apart. Remember what happened to that boy up the street? His father didn't spend enough time with him so he hitchhiked across the country leaving a trail of bodies in his wake. FRED -- Oh at least it got him out of the house. CHRIS -- Come on Dad, please? FRED -- No. CHRIS -- Please? FRED -- No. CHRIS -- Please! FRED -- NO! CHRIS -- Well okay, I guess I'm just gonna have to make "the old face." FRED -- Oh jeeze. FRED -- Yup, I think if you remember I got my first set of Hot Wheels thanks to "the face," I got the ah, Mod Haired GI Joe, thanks to "the face," and ah, well something the two of you probably don't know um: thanks to the face, I lost my virginity. FRED -- You can't do the face anymore you haven't got the chops. It used to be cute but now it's pathetic. CHRIS -- Come on Dad, You know you're going to crack like a cheap suit. FRED -- Yeah, right. CHRIS -- Allright you asked for it here I go. GLADYS -- Oh it's so cute. It's like having our little Chris back. FRED -- I'm not looking. Oh. It's so ugly it, it's worst than I remembered. But at least you can't keep it up forever. CHRIS -- Oh yeah? Watch me. LATER CHRIS -- Good morning mother. Goodmorning Father. (bitterly) FRED -- Allright it's been three days .You win. Enough. I give up. If it's so important to you I'll do it. CHRIS -- Oh Dad thanks. Thanks Dad, you're not going to regret this, we're gonna have a ball. FRED -- Chris I said I'd do it. You can drop "the face" now. CHRIS -- I actually dropped it two days ago. It's frozen like this. TRAINING MONTAGE FATHER AND SON EVENT CHRIS -- Man Dad, I'm pumping enough adrenaline to light up Vegas. We're going to be the hits of Father and Son Day. FRED -- I think we have the advantage if they let us use our own spoons. CHRIS -- It's not exactly the way I remember it, how 'bout you? You know Dad. I know it looks bad but it's really just fun and games. (laughs) C'mon, let's go. Hi. SIGN-UP GUY -- Hi, So you guys are signing up? CHRIS -- Mm hm SIGN-UP GUY -- You'll need helmets, padding and you need to sign this release for in case you get paralyzed. For your comfort and peace of mind you'll notice we've got a lot more ambulances here than last year. Won't run out of oxygen again. You in particular aughta like that. FRED -- That's it. I'm a dot. CHRIS-- C'mon Dad, you're much, much more than that. C'mon let's give it a chance. C'mon. FLETCHER --Goodafternoon everbody I want to wecome you all to the Father and Son Gladiator Battles. I see some familar faces out there, it's good to have you back and ambulatory. You know in recent years the trend has been away from competition and a win at all mentality....but not here. Here these only doing to be one wining team..... and the rest of you are..well losers. And who would you rather be on the plane with? I know my choice. CHRIS -- Allright, they're nuts. Look Dad so its not a complete loss I'll race you to the car. OTTO --So you actually had the guts to know up? CHRIS -- Yeah yeah, we're here. But ah yeah, I know think were gonna stay. It doesn't look ah, challenging enough for us. Ah..We'd be bored. It's pretty much just baby games here. OTTO -- See I told you they'd wuss out, didn't I dad? RICK -- Call me Rick--three time Father Son Gladiator champion, part-time welder. How ya doing. Where's your kid? CHRIS -- Ah, I don't have any children. I'm barron. OTTO -- Wait a minute, you mean you're gonna compete in this thing with granny here? CHRIS -- What did you just call my dear Papa? FRED -- Ah Chris, it doesn't matter Papa, Granny. CHRIS -- No no, you wait a second, Dad. Yes we're going to compete and let me tell you something,were going to win. And we're going to win for one reason and one reason only. And guess what? I'm not going to tell you that reason. See that's all part of our little strategy here and you're already psyched out. Well now if you'll excuse us my father and I are gonna go do some warm-up squats. Rick -- Come on Otto, it's going to be fun kicking the crap outta those guys. OTTO -- Nnn I love you dad. FRED -- You know Chris, at first I didn't want to do this because I was afraid of being humiliated but now I don't want to do it because I'm afraid I'll die. CHRIS -- Come on Dad we can't back out now, all the newspaper boys are here, our family honor is at stake. FRED -- Why can't we just dress up as women and sneak off like our ancestors did on the Titanic CHRIS -- Naw. Come on Dad, lets' be men for once in our lives, shall we? Come on (laughs) FLETCHER -- Now before we start the first event, as usual I'd like to remind everyone to play safely and fairly, and as usual I expect you all to ignore that. That's why we have Dr. Kramer here. Come on up here Doc. DOC KRAMER -- I"d just like to say that I hope no one dies. Probably someone will, just a statistical reality with a garthering this large. FLETCHER -- Okay, the first even is called "Having To Stay On These Pedestals As Long As You Can Without Getting Knocked Off." First teams are in place. Ready. (blows whistle) Okay the next challengers are Fred and Chris-- the Petersons. FRED -- Chris, we don't stand a chance against those he-men. CHRIS -- Dad, don't worry the brain is more powerful than the body. We'll defeat them with our minds. FRED -- I wish I were dead. CHRIS -- Watch this. Time, time. Mr. Referee? Excuse me, ah, I know that man up there and he's not a father he's only a step father. FLETCHER -- Get them out of my sight. CHRIS -- Oh my, I guess it's a default FLETCHER -- Okay, the replacement team is Rick and Otto--the Walters. FRED -- Time, time Mr. Referee? CHRIS -- Alright Dad look, just concentrate, okay? We're gonna win this one. Just imagine you're a brick wall rooted a hundred feet into the ground Don't let anything take you're mind off that. Just think brick wall, brick wall yer...Hey look there's Mom. Wave Dad, it's Mom. Hi. (They get knocked over) That wasn't so bad. It's kind of like playing badminton huh? RICK -- What jerks. CHRIS -- Now it's payback time. (They lose again) Hey, hey, hey. You know, I'm actually starting to get good at this falling thing. Just let your face catch the brunt of it Dad, it's nature's shock absorber. OTTO -- Hey Petersons. Your strategy seems to be working. We're getting more psyched out by the minute. Hm. RICK -- (laughs) CHRIS -- You know their such idiots. They don't realize my head's ringing so loudly, I can't here a word they're saying FRED -- Is that my tooth or yours? FLETCHER -- This next one takes a little testosterone. It's one I like to call Trying To Stay On The Beam While Medicine Balls Are Being Thrown At You Without Getting Knocked Off. CHRIS -- You know Dad, this one's isn't very much different from the spoons thing with the exception of the possibility of snapping our spinal chords. (They get pummled) FRED -- Chris, I'm really starting to lose my patience. CHRIS -- I would like a hamburger and a special cheese shake some chocolate sauce, I bless you, and thank you for shopping MacDonalds. FRED -- Chris , snap out of it. I want you coherent when I tell you off. CHRIS -- Oh Dad hi. Did we win? OTTO -- Ya see guys I told you Chris was nothing special. BILLY -- No Chris, say it isn't true. CHRIS -- Eh you don't know what you're talking about, we're just saving out strength, right Dad? FRED -- Right, for the ride home. OTTO -- Yeah, right. CHRIS -- Come one Dad. FRED -- Great, we're going home, huh? CHRIS -- No Dad, we have two more events, we're doing so well. FRED -- Oh forget it, Chris. CHRIS -- Dad, those are the people I work with, now I need their respect for that you can't go two lousy events? FRED -- I can go two events, but you're mother's worried sick. (GLADYS give thumbs up) Oh, let's get it the hell over with. CHRIS -- Great. Listen this one's really easy. All you have to do is hoist me up on your shoulders and then run as fast as you can for two hundred and fifty yards. FRED -- Ah it's a snap. CHRIS -- Okay. C'mon Dad. Keep your head up. Keep your head up. Trot. Nothing can stop us now! (They lose) RICK -- Yeah alright! Nice form, losers. OTTO -- You stink. CHRIS -- Dad. Oh Dad, I m sorry. Dad I shouldn't have put you through this. Oh, we can't compete with them anymore. But ya know what? That's okay. We had our time. I mean, we failed back then too, but it was our time and they can't take those memories away from us. And ya know what? Maybe we can distort those memories enough and one day believe that we were actually winners. Do know what I'm trying to say dad? I wanna quit. I wanna go home. FRED -- Well you pansy-face wuss-girl. CHRIS -- I'm sorry? FRED -- I can't believe you want to quit after all we've been through.I don't know about you but I'm sick of being pushed around by those pathetic weasels over there. You can sit here on your candy bottom and crochet a little doll's house to play in, but I'm gonna go rack me up a body count. CHRIS -- Let me get this straight Dad, you want me to stay here while you go get the car? FRED -- Outta my way boy, it's clobbering time. (FRED goes on rampage) Come on. You wanna piece of me? Who's next. You're the disease, I'm the medicine! Yippee kie yay! Hubba Hubba! GLADYS -- Oh Fred! FRED -- Is that the best you've got, dirtbasg? (FRED goes after the spectators) What are you lookin' at smartie? Here's one for you lady. I heard that! CHRIS -- Wait a second. Leave him alone. Get off him. Leave him alone. It's not his fault. He's going through the change. It's male menopause. He just had a hot-flash for cryin' out loud. Don't worry Dad. We'll stick by you no matter what and we'll come and visit you unless it's one of those maximum security things because frankly I find those rather depressing. FLETCHER -- Let me through, let me through. Hold it Dan. Let me have your attention. While the paramedics gather up the scattered remains of those weak kneed losers. Let me take an oppurtunity to present this trophy to Fred and Chris Peterson, the father and son team who've most capturered the spirit of these games, winning at all costs. (crowd cheers)Never before have I seen such a blatant disregard for rules and other people's safety. It's gonna be a tough record to beat next year. CHRIS -- Wow Dad, we won something, we actually won something. And look at mom, I've never seen her look happier (GLADYS give them thumbs up) We're winners. FRED -- No thanks to you pansy. CHRIS -- I love you Dad. PICNIC OTTO -- Gee Chris congratulations. I guess I was wrong, you really are some to look up to. CHRIS -- Uh duh. OTTO -- And you've taught us a lesson about yourself and about old people; how they should be respected and ah even feared. But most importantly that they have a value in society. GLADYS -- Oh that's sweet. Would your little friends like some chicken Chris? OTTO -- Who's the old hag? No, I'm just kidding. We really did learn a meaningful lesson today. CHRIS -- Allright ya little twerps. Get outta here. I'll see ya bright and early monday. Boy Dad, you really made me proud that you're my father today. FRED -- Yeah it was great. I...I just wish they hadn't stopped me before I could pulverize those wimps in the second row. CHRIS -- (laughs) Boy, what a great day to be a Peterson. GLADYS -- OOh. CHRIS -- (laughs) You know I want to thank you Dad but I'm not sure I know how. Wait a second, I think I know how. (Sings "Cat's In The Cradle) "And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. When ya comin' home Dad I don't know when but we'll get together then Dad we're gonna have a good time the...(FRED bashes CHRIS in the head.) THE END