GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- HEALTH INSPECTOR 26. 11/30/91 "HEALTH INSPECTOR 2000" (204) Writer: Steve Pepoon / Director: Dean Parisot Chris joins the glamorous world of food inspecting but he is sickened by what he finds, until the $5 bribes start coming in. When his conscience catches up with him, Chris agrees to testify before a special committee. Rob ............... Thom Sharp Senator ........... Warren Frost Mysterious Voice .. Nick Toth Cook .............. Jeffrey Anderson-Gunter Ernie ............. Charles Bazaldua GUS' KITCHEN CHRIS -- ....sting of the early morning air as I slice through it on my appointed routes, the cold stares of dogs and other animals that think they're better than me. Oh go...(Dead rat drops out of milk carton into Chris cereal) Aaagh aaagh aagh. etc. GUS -- What did I tell you about screaming like a girl. CHRIS -- Gus, there seems to be a slight impurity in the milk. GUS -- There doesn't seem to be any open soars. I'm sure it's fine. (drinks from carton) Oh ya big baby, you can hardly taste it. CHRIS -- I'm sorry but I just do not understand the ways of your world. GUS -- Ya know I've got friends in the circus who eat rats and they'll probably live longer than either of us. Besides no food is completely free of a certain amount of impurities. Here look. (Gus's rice is swarming with ants) CHRIS -- Ew Oh jeeze, Gosh I never noticed that before. Hey ya know, Gus, They should have people...whose job it is to inspect food. And you know what? those people should be called....Food ah......mm... mm.....Inspectors. GUS -- Chris, there are Food Inspectors, but they can't catch every last insect part and....bloated rodent. CHRIS -- Well it's about time they hired somebody with a burning desire to put their face up close to food and say "Hey...what's in there?" And that somebody just might be me. GUS -- Sorry kid. You have to have a college education and special training with the FDA. Or, I could make a couple of phone calls. RESTAURANT KITCHEN CHRIS -- Wow, backstage of a restaurant. (Chris leans his hand on hot grill) This is where all the magic happens. (sniffs) Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken, these fiends are cooking human meat. Oh, oh no, (laughs) it's just me. (laughs) Uh. Okay Pops I'm sorry this area's restricted. Okay? ROB BARNS -- What? CHRIS -- It's only for food handlers, food, and food inspectors. ROB -- No. CHRIS -- Come on, shake it out the door. ROB -- Now. wait, wait, wait. CHRIS -- Come on. Smoke your purple haze somewhere else. ROB -- Wait a second. Rob Barns, I'm the Food Inspector. What the hell are you? CHRIS -- Oh jeeze I'm so sorry. Well, I'm your humble student, with the thristiest mind this side of the Pecos. ROB -- What's with the goofy Halloween costume? CHRIS -- Wull, this isn't a Halloween costume. This is my Food Instector outfit; the classic white lab coat as a splash-guard, and then the goggles uncase we run into any of those creatures form "Aliens." Yeah okay, they're silly. We don't need those. Boy, I'm learning so much from you already. ROB -- Great. Now just keep your mouth shut, follow me around and write down any violations that you observe, okay? CHRIS -- Great. Boy, do you know this is more exciting than the time I looked in the mirror and realized my real had stopped growing. ROB -- Yeah. CHRIS -- Hey, wait a second. Let me see that. Just as I thought, no filter. ROB -- Hi skip. SKIP -- Mm CHRIS -- Hey hold on. Look at that. I've got three words for you, conditioner. SKIP -- (sneezes) CHRIS -- God bless you. Are you allright? SKIP -- Just a touch of Legionares Disease. CHRIS -- Try taking a hot bath. It might help. CHRIS -- Oh look at that. Uewgh.(cigarette butts in tomato tray) CHRIS -- Let's see..tomato ketchup. (frog hops out bag) What the faaagh!Aaagh aagh aagh. CHRIS -- Hey, there's a bug there. (cook smashes it with meat tenderizing mallot) CHRIS -- (sees a little of puppies on a broken sac of flour, a bug zapper over a pot of soup and two rats) CHRIS -- (wretches then swallows his own vomit) ERNIE -- How's everything looking there Rob? CHRIS -- I will tell you how everything is looking there sir. You have violated every single code in the book and I don't even know what they are. I have seen things in here that make my eyes want to pop out of their sockets, run down my face and hide in my back pants pockets. And sir, I don't have any back pants pockets, which means my eyes would fall on the floor and that would be a nightmare because the floor is filthy. So, thank you for the dirty eyes there gents! ROB -- Chris, let me handle this. Okay kid? CHRIS -- Okay great. Here comes the big guns. Bye, bye ROB -- Everything looks fine to me. Great job, Ernie. CHRIS -- Huh? (voice over) Wait a minute. Something isn't on the up and up. There's a big fat payoff going on right before my eyes, either that or they're lovers. ERNIE -- Thanks a lot Rob. See ya around. See ya kid. CHRIS -- (voice over) The next moment is going to be one of the most important in my life. I have to choose my words very carefully. (out loud) I'm telling. ROB -- Huh? CHRIS -- Well, you just took a bribe. ROB -- Oh that, oh gee bribe's such an ugly word. I prefer to think of it as uh, extortion. Besides ah, Gus said you were an okay Joe. CHRIS -- He did? What else did he say? Do you think he likes me? ROB -- Ah Chris look. This is the business that you've chosen. This is how the business works. Don't mess with the business, or it could hurt you. CHRIS -- Well I'm sorry. I simply cannot condone a system that allows insects to go careening through our small intestine as if it were a really cool waterslide. ROB -- Ralph Nader? Look, I was going to cut you in on the action. CHRIS -- Sir, I have never in my entire life had any action nor will I have any action. There is no amount of money that could ever...oooooh Five BUCKS!!! MONEY MONTAGE CHRIS' GARAGE MYSTERIOUS MAN -- (lit like "Dr, Zempf" from "Lolita") Don't turn on the light. CHRIS -- Aaagh Aaagh. MAN -- Just take it easy Mr. Peterson. CHRIS -- Hey, who are you? How did you get in here? And how do you know my name is Mr. Peterson and not Miss? MAN -- Look kid, I know what you're into. I'm talking about those crisp five dollar bills in your pocket. CHRIS -- I'll thank you to keep your eyes off the many bulges in my pants, please. MAN -- Look Peterson, we're gonna blow the lid off the corrupt Food Inspecting Industry in this town. We want you to help us. We want you to testify before a Senate Subcommittee. CHRIS -- Subcommittee? What is that is, is that where those guys sit around eating those long sandwiches? (laughs) I'm sorry, that's just a little lunch humor. (laughs) MAN -- I'm talking about the bribes you took. Listen kid, I'm giving you a chance to save yourself before you get in too deep. I know making an extra fifteen, twenty bucks a week can be intoxicating. It can also land you in prison. CHRIS -- Okay I see. So ya want me to sing, huh? like a little rat-bastard canary, huh? chewing on it's own cuddlebone in a cage made by your own guilded salava. MAN -- Peterson, pretending to be yammering half-wit isn't gonna help you in prison. CHRIS -- Oh yeah, and you're trying to scare me aren't you? Mr. Cigarette floating in space. You're the man with the mysterious code-name aren't you, like ah, Mr. X or Mr. Deep Throat or, Mr. Three Days of the Condor. Go on, knock me on my ass with your mysterious name. MAN -- It's Jim. CHRIS -- Oooh Jim. Great imagination. Ooh but no last names please. No ooh. MAN -- Gorman. My name is Jim Gorman. CHRIS -- Oooh names are fine, aren't they. Oh yeah fine, but no faces. Oh no, that's why we all have to be in the dark. Ooooh. MAN -- Actually I just had an eye examination and my pupils are dilated. Listen Peterson, I'm not going to force you to do anything right now. Think about it. If you change your mind, signal me by standing on your front lawn with a small dog strapped to your face while singing "Mr. Bojangles" in a high voice. CHRIS -- Oh no I, I can't, that's how I signal the mailman. MAN -- Than strap on a cat. CHRIS -- Oh yeah no, that should work fine. (man leaves) Yeah right. I'll be signaling you real soon. KITCHEN CHRIS -- See this imported silk shirt? Guess how much? Five bucks. Okay. (laughs) This diamond studded watch? Guess how much? Five bucks. Hey, what about this solid gold pinkie ring huh? Wanna guess how much? FRED -- Five bucks? CHRIS -- No. Two for five bucks. GLADYS -- Chris, where are you getting all these extra five bucks? CHRIS -- Oh Mom, let's just say that it's just one of the little perks that go along with my food inspecting job. (laughs) GLADYS -- You're taking bribes! CHRIS -- No, of course not. Jeeze what a horrible insult. (laughs) Okay I am. You're right. I admit it okay? Stop shouting at me. (sobs) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh you two must hate me. FRED -- (laughs) Are you kidding? It's time you stopped being a sucker, figured out how the real world works. CHRIS -- Really? You, you don't mind, even if it means overlooking food that's riddled with mud and insects whiskers? FRED -- Who cares, the giants snakes that live inside us will eat them. CHRIS -- What? FRED -- I always love to scare him with that story. GLADYS -- Now let's forget all this nastiness and have some wholesome freshly delivered pizza. FRED -- Yeah dig in, your snakes are probably hungry. CHRIS -- Hm, um do you think this cheese has gone bad? FRED -- That's a sock, you simp. CHRIS -- Oh my god. Oh my dear parents could have chocked a wooly death on this evil stink-hose. Why some careless pizza-tossing bastard didn't realize that his sock must have flown off and landed right in the middle of our pizza pie. I realize now that I haven't been true to my food inspecting oath. Food trusted me and I turned my back on it. I must win back it's confidence. I know now that I must testify before that subcommitee or else I'll never be able to look cheese in the puss again. GUS' LIVING ROOM GUS -- You stinking, lousy, squealing, ungrateful, two-faced, double-crossing, judas. CHRIS -- But Gus, if I don't testify I could go to jail. And if I don't not testify then Rob might want five dollars back. And if I don't not not don't testify then I might get so confused that my head'll pop off and fly around the room making rude noises until all the air was out of it. GUS -- Kid, that's a fear we all have to live with. My advise would be to kill yourself. I can help you with that. CHRIS -- Gus, that's always your advice. I'm not looking for a short-term solution here. I have to testify. It, it's my duty as an American citizen and as a representative of albinos everywhere. GUS -- Kid, you've got no idea who your dealing with. Food Inspectors are the most evil, violent, vengeful people on earth. CHRIS -- Oh my god, he thinks we're on earth. GUS -- You'd be putting me in an awkward position, after all I got you the job. CHRIS -- Yeah but Gus, everybody knows if you do somebody a favor you could wind up getting killed for it. GUS -- Ah I don't know what I'm worried about. I guess I'll be okay as long as I do everything in my power to help them track you down. CHRIS -- Great. Well then you will stick by me. I knew it. (laughs) Oh (EXPLOSION for outside) GUS -- What the hell? CHRIS -- does that mean your eggs are ready? GUS' FRONT LAWN (Chris's bikes is on fire) CHRIS -- Oh no. I wanted flames painted on my bike. Where's that silly detailer? GUS -- Chris, don't you realize this is the work of Food Inspectors? They live and breath this kind of stuff. CHRIS -- Sorry, I'm still not scared. GUS -- Oh yeah? Well, what about this? (Hanged and burning effigy of Chris) CHRIS -- Well that, well that's just something I did myself. Pretty cool huh? GUS -- And this too? (another hanged burning effigy) CHRIS -- Oh my god. Jeeze no, now I am scared. That's so sick. What kind of a mind? GUS -- You're on your own kid. I'm gettin' a bottle of whiskey and I'm gonna crawl up in my hamper for a couple of months. SPECIAL SENATE FOOD TASK FORCE SENATOR -- Could you state your name please? CHRIS -- Ah no I'm sorry, I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me. SENATOR -- You came to us, Mr. Peterson. CHRIS -- Ah, well then if you know my name why are you trying to get me to say it, except perhaps to make me look...silly? SENATOR -- It's for the record. CHRIS -- Oh you mean there's gonna to be an album of this? How exciting. Oh terrific. Yeah sure. (clears throat) My name's Chris Peterson, Americano. SENATOR -- We understand you are here to testify about illegal activities perpetrated by local organized Food Inspectors? CHRIS -- Yeah (coughing fit) Ho. Ho. Test. Test. Test one two. One. One two. Seven. Seven. I'm sorry, could I get a little more reverb on this? Thanks a lot. Ah, before we begin I'll have to be granted total immunity from all my past evil deeds and have your absolute guarantee that I can live in luxury and protection for the rest of my life or thirty-thousand miles, which ever comes first. SENATOR -- No. CHRIS -- Okay fine. I'm ready to begin. SENATOR -- Mr. Peterson we understand you were hired as a Food Inspector even though you had absolutly no training? CHRIS -- Ah, uh (confers with counsul) Yes, that's correct. SENATOR -- Right off, didn't that strike you as a bit odd? CHRIS -- (confers with counsul) SENATOR -- Mr....Mr.... Mr. Peterson? CHRIS -- Huh? SENATOR -- Would you please not confer with your lawyer for each and every question? CHRIS -- Wull, he's not my attorney, he's just a nice guy I met on the bus on the way over here. SENATOR -- Well, would you please refrain from conferring with him about your testimony? CHRIS -- We weren't. We were just talking about whether or not there'd be a "Cannonball Run 4." He'd also like to know if anybody has a containor of Ginger Ale? He has a rather upset stomach. SENATOR -- Mr. Peterson, could we please.... CHRIS -- Hey! Hey look everybody it's my landlord Gus and my old boss Rob. (Rob has a gun in Gus' side) Hey! hey Gus Rob isn't mad at you because I'm testifying. In fact, I've never seen these guys look closer. They're practically hugging each other. Doesn't everybody love a happy ending? (Gus is trying to let Chris know that Rob has a gun) What , what WHAT? He's nutty as a jaybird. SENATOR -- Mr. Peterson, we are under severe time restraints. CHRIS -- Oh sure, sorry. Rush, rush, rush. I wouldn't want you guys to miss happy hour. (coughing fit) Sorry, hairball. Excuse me, I asked for a hairball! The service is rotten here, isn't it? Okay ah, (reads) Why I think all the bad Food Inspectors should be put behind bars. By Chris Peterson." (Chris sees gun) Uh oh. SENATOR -- Is something wrong? CHRIS -- Yeah ah, Rob was just pretending to be Gus' friend. He's holding a gun on him. SENATOR -- We don't see any gun Mr. Peterson. CHRIS -- You idiots, use that grey yucky stuff inside your shell of a head thing there. Maybe he's hiding it. In accordance with the rules of Major League Baseball, I demand that that man show his hands. (Robs shows one hand at a time) Oh okay sorry. (laughs) My mistake. (laughs) You know sometimes when the light hits one of those ConAir hairdryers just right they look like a snub-nose thirty-seven with a pearl handle and mahogany trim. ROB -- If he says one more word, you're a dead man. (cocks gun at Gus' head) CHRIS -- (gargles and spits) (reads) Our friend the sun. The sun is by far the hottiest planet in the solar system and would burn if...burn you...if you tried to eat it. Oh I'm sorry, I seem to have some of my old high school notes mixed up here. Well gentleman. I'm sorry, the best way for me to communicate all this without written material..is with puppets and as I carelessly left all my puppets at home, I hope you'll excuse my bare fingers as....inferior substitutes. If I may. Oooh dirty food. This looks bad. Here take some money. No no no, well okay. ROB -- Forget it. This guy isn't a threat to anyone but himself. CHRIS -- Five bucks. I'm gonna take the five bucks and I'm gonna.... SENATOR -- Mr. Peterson? We have come to conclusion that you have no useful information for us. This committee is in agreement that you are unstable and borderline frightening. ROB -- No hard feelin's Gus? GUS -- Naah, I've threatened to kill people lot's of times for much less. See you tuesday at the VFW. SENATOR -- However, we have decided that any industry that would hire you is in dire need of investigating. CHRIS -- Wow, well that means I kinda won! I kinda won! Hey hey hey I kinda won! Woo I kinda won! Hey hey hey hey. Great. What kind of parting gifts do I get? (laughs) Hey Rob! No hard feelings huh? (Rob shoots a hole through Chris) That's odd. Hey, is there a draft in here? Does anybody else feel it? It's me? THE END