GET A LIFE SCRIPT  --  LARRY ON THE LOOSE


 24. 11/16/91  "LARRY ON THE LOOSE"  (202)
 Writer: Bob Odenkirk / Director: David Mirkin

 Following a talk from Chris, Larry decides to leave Sharon and run
 away from home.  Chris and Gus search the town for him, but after 
 seeing Chris again Larry is gone for good.  

    Larry ............. Sam Robards
    Wino .............. Anthony Mangano
    Morgue Attendant .. Larry Randolph
    Businessman ....... David Mirkin 



POTTER LIVING ROOM

CHRIS -- Oh Larry, what a surprise. You're doing housework. Is Sharon
stinking drunk again?
LARRY -- Hi Chris, Sharon's fine.
CHRIS -- Oh you poor groinless bastard. Ha ha ha ha I'm sorry Larry. I kid,
but I kid with love. Come on sit sit sit sit sit.
LARRY -- Chris look, I don't have time for this. I have to finish vacuuming,
drive the kids to their piano lesson, patch the roof and clean the gunk out
of the dog's eyes.
CHRIS -- Ah listen Larry, I still have this in case you want to borrow it.
(Chris pulls out a hangman's noose)
LARRY -- Not now, Chris.
CHRIS -- Okay well, It'll always be in my back pocket in case you need it.
Listen Larry, I need your advice. I am doing some really radical things to
this new place of mine. Okay listen to this. First, I'm going to move the
lawnmower to the foot of the bed. And then I'm gonna to put ceiling mirrors
over the work bench to sort of "open things up" a little bit. Now I'm
transforming a stack of newspapers into kind of a nifty breakfast nook set
off by either this plaid wallpaper. Take a look at that. Or, now shoot me but
this is my first choice...this fun pink chiffon drapery. Am I nuts?
LARRY -- Who cares. What does it matter.
CHRIS -- Well jeeze Larry, ya know, I know your life sucks but do you have to
drag the rest of us down into your own personal hell?
SHARON -- Larry, I don't hear the vacuum. Oh Chris. I thought I smelled
something fat and flabby.
LARRY -- Chris was just telling me about the plans for his new apartment. 
SHARON -- Oh, he must be so proud. It's not every thirty year-old who has a
garage to call his home. 
CHRIS -- Thank you very much Sharon. And ah, my I remind you that the word
garage is actually derived from the French. Jeu-leh-veh Deu-leh-bon
Bluh-bluh-blah. Which means "place of the gods." 
SHARON -- Larry, you still have a lot of work to do. This is no time to be
sitting around playing with a baboon.
CHRIS -- A baboon? You got a monkey? Where's the monkey? Monkey. Monkey?
Wha.... Jeeze Sharon do you have to raise my hopes each and every time I come
over here?
SHARON -- I'll keep this simple Lawrence. If you are still sitting around
next to...it when I return, you're in big trouble.
LARRY -- Yes, Sharon.
CHRIS -- Yes, Sharon. Ya Vole Mine Volksvagon. He hole issa. Huuagh huagh Hi.
Larry, I don't know how you can put up with it. Gosh you know, I could never.
(laughs) You know ever since I've moved out I've just been in heaven. I love
the freedom(words echos is Larry's brain). I'm so relaxed (echos). There's no
pressure (echos). I'm all alone (echos), carefree (echos), happy (echos).
 Plus, I finally have a place to practice my nude robot dancing. 
LARRY -- Would you excuse me for a moment?
CHRIS -- Sure. Well anyway, being alone is...well it's so wonderful and
quite, and well for some reason stench ridden, but in a good kinda robust,
healthy way.  
SHARON -- Well you know Chris, since you love your new place so much maybe
you should never leave. You know, I'd be happy to nail you in their
permanently. 
CHRIS -- Oh no.
SHARON -- What is it?
CHRIS -- Well I just realized something terrible. You and I are the only
people in this room. Larry, Larry, get out here. You're killing me. I'm alone
with Sharon. Umgh. Jeeze, I got the dry heaves. (wretches) Larry, I need a
bag. Ya got a bag? 

POTTER KITCHEN

SHARON -- Larry. (reads note) "To Everyone, I'm sorry, I can't take it
anymore. I'm gone forever. Goodbye. Yours, Larry." Oh "P.S. Thank you Chris
for showing me the way." 
CHRIS --  Jeeze, a list of random, meaningless, unconnection words scrawled
on an incredibly flimsy piece of wood. What could he possibly mean by all
this?

KITCHEN

CHRIS -- Oh it's horrible. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I, I haven't bathed. I
just, I can't get on with my life.
FRED -- Chris, Larry has only been gone fifteen minutes. 
CHRIS -- Jeeze Dad. Do you know that on some planets fifteen minutes is like
ten years. 
GLADYS -- Chris, take it easy this is no big deal. Why when you were young
your father used to disappear for days at a time. 
FRED -- And everytime I'd come back you'd still be here. I can't tell you
what a disappointment it was.
CHRIS -- Thanks. Gosh, you two guys are a comfort, and you do my heart good.
(laughs) But I'm sorry, I'm just not going to let this incident be swept
under the proverbial cheese steak. People just don't disappear.
FRED -- Tell me about it.
CHRIS --  I mean ah, what could have happened to him? It's as if ah, some
South American Goon Squad just came in and, and swept him away.  Hey, maybe I
should talk to our friends over at the American Embassy. 
GLADYS -- Chris, this is America, we don't have American Embassys here. 
CHRIS -- Jeeze, isn't that great? Boy, we got plenty of money to build
Embassys in countries that don't want 'em like France and, and Upper France
but here, right in America where we need 'em, were too cheap to build 'em.
FRED -- Gladys, don't you look forward to the day when we both lose our
hearing?
CHRIS -- Hey Mom, Dad? You guys have both lived long, learned much and well,
eaten well. And now I look into your shrunken, shriveled faces and I ask you:
Should I go off and look for Larry by myself?
FRED -- Well, would that entail your leaving our presence for an extended
period of time?
CHRIS -- Yeah, it probably will.
FRED -- Than we insist.
CHRIS -- It's done then. I shall search for Larry all by myself. I shall call
in every favor ever owed to me. All my powers, all my cunning, all my
ingenuity shall be brilliantly combined into one co-ordinated supreme search
effort like none the world has ever seen.

SEARCH MONTAGE (including Badminton Break)

CHRIS -- Larry. Larry? Larry. Larry.

CHRIS -- (digging) Larry? Larry? Larry you're down underground? Is it
possible that you fell underground Larry?   
 
CHRIS -- (Crying underneath sprinkler) Larry. Larry hee hee hee etc.

CHRIS -- (sitting on his bed) Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.
GUS --  Hey! You mind keeping it down, some of us are trying to read. 
CHRIS -- Don't try to console me Gus. I've just lost the best friend I ever
had. 
GUS -- Yeah, well get over it will ya? You're making me sick.
CHRIS -- No sir, I will not just get over it. No, as long as Larry is gone, I
am officially on a hunger strike. I will no longer cut my hair. And I pledge
never ever to make my trademark noise "bee bee bee bee bee" again. Come on,
everybody join hands together, come one all of us. Let's stand as one. Come
on, we shall overcome. Come on, let's go. Ah.
GUS -- Allright, allright, I'll help you, just shut up.
CHRIS -- Oh hooray, hooray. Everybody, did you hear that? He's gonna help us.
(laughs) You are a kind and caring man.
GUS -- Yeah well it's gonna cost ya--twenty five dollars an hour, fifty if I
get shot at. 
CHRIS -- Great, let's get busy. Bee-ew.
GUS -- Allright, what I like to do is go totally by gut instinct, never ever
give up, and keep a positive attitude. Let's hit the morgue.

MORGUE

CHRIS --  Goodbye my sweet papoose. (kisses a plate of barbacue spare ribs)
(Morgue Attendant grabs a rib and starts eating)
That's my friend you sick, ghoulish bastard!
ATTENDANT -- That's my lunch. 
CHRIS -- Jeeze, I''m sorry, huh. You know I thought he tasted a little tangy.
(laughs)
GUS -- Chris, the bodies are over here. 
CHRIS -- Oh.
GUS -- Now brace yourself kid, this can be pretty chilling. 
CHRIS -- (holds breath) Oh, oh I see what you mean. Hey, wait a second. Huh.
That's Mr. Wilkenson, my old gym teacher. You know, this guy used to be so
mean to me. Hey, look who's in better shape now, Wilkenson.  Hey, I'm dancin'
on your grave old man take a look. Wooo! I'm havin' the time of my life.
(laughs) You know, I think maybe you could use a little exercise. How 'bout
some sit-ups? Let's try those. One two HOE! Three four HOE! (laughs) Hey,
what did this guy die of anyway? (laughs)
ATTENDANT -- Leprosy.
CHRIS -- Well, luckily I've already had that. 
GUS -- We haven't got time for game-playing. This is a morgue not an
amusement park.
CHRIS -- (Chris reacts to corpse of himself) Eew, This guy's all puffy and
bloated and doughy. He's probably better off dead. Oh I'm sorry, could you
just tell me what those green tags are for? Does that mean they're on sale?
(laughs) I'm sorry, I just really wanted to break the tension. It was getting
pretty thick in here. But seriously, would that be out of the realm of
possiblity?
GUS -- So are these the only stiffs you've gotten in the last twenty-four
hours?
ATTENDANT -- That's it. We'll keep an eye out for him. You guys got any
dental records you could send me?
CHRIS -- Ah no, but actually I have this plaster cast mold of his teeth. 
ATTENDANT -- Mr. Peterson, those are shattering gag teeth. 
CHRIS -- Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs) wrong pocket. Here we go. Mmm There we are.
See 'em? Arf! Arf! (laughs)
ATTENDANT -- Thanks
GUS -- Uh that's the first time my hunch has been wrong. Aah who am I
kiddin'? It wasn't a hunch. I just like looking at stiffs. (laughs) And the
food here isn't have bad. But don't worry, I've got a back-up plan and if it
doesn't fail: I think it just might work. 

STREET

GUS -- Listen you lying little piece of filth. I know you're holdin' out on
me. I want you to tell me where you saw Larry and what he said to you or I'll
smash your head against the wall so hard they'll be hosing your brains off it
for a month! 
BUSINESSMAN -- I swear, I swear, I don't know any Larry.
GUS -- Get outta my sight, you disgusting worm! Sorry kid, but sometimes
grabbing a guy at random on the street and scaring the snot out of him can
get you a lead. Let's hope some nosey jerk didn't videotape the whole thing.
CHRIS -- That's okay. So what are we doing next? Do we have time for a muffin
break? 
GUS -- Don't worry kid, I still have a few professional tricks up my sleeve.

LATER (middle of street)

GUS --Larry! 
CHRIS --Larry! 
GUS -- Oh Larry? 

LATER AGAIN

GUS -- Larry!  
CHRIS -- Oh Larry come on. 
GUS -- Larry. 
CHRIS -- Larreee!  
GUS -- Larry
CHRIS -- Larry are you here down there?
GUS -- Hey, I am not one to be a quitter or a throw-in-the-towel but, I mean
let's face it, it's been what? well damn two hours. I think if you check
statistics you'll find that no one is ever found after this long. Besides
between you and me, I've just completely lost interest.
WINO -- (burps)
CHRIS -- Gus. (Wino wakes from under newpapers) Oh Gus, It's Larry. It's
Larry. Larry! Oh ho,look at you. Larry get up. Oh ho  Larry. Ah ha ha ha
Larry. I've found you. oo oo oo oo hoo hee hee.

POTTER LIVING ROOM

CHRIS -- Dry your tears my grieving black widow, for I'm here to  sprinkle
sunshine into your crusty, smelly, mascara-streaked eyes.
SHARON --  You don't want to mess with me today, Chris. My husband ran off
leaving me in a bludgeoning mood. 
CHRIS -- I don't know what that means. Are you thirsty? Ah at any rate
Sharon, I'd like to introduce to you now a gentleman who has just completed a
grueling tour of the underworld. Would you please welcome--your long-lost
husband Mr. Lawrence W. Potter. 
GUS -- Get the hell in there!
CHRIS -- (laughs) Oh, look at them. They're back together again. It's so
beautiful. Ho. Come on. Come on hug. 
SHARON -- Oh
CHRIS -- Come on hug. Hug that old feeling back. Come on kiss. 
SHARON -- Chris!
CHRIS -- Kiss, damn you. Love will not be denied. 
SHARON -- Get him out of here!
CHRIS -- Sharon, you're not going to forsake him simply because he's fallen
on hard times, are you? 
WINO -- Excuse e ,e questo e bazzo? 
SHARON -- Even he thinks you're crazy.
CHRIS -- Oh, okay. Well if it's not Larry how come you understood his secret
love language?
SHARON -- He's speaking Italian.
WINO -- Si.
CHRIS -- Well, Sharon that's ridiculous. Where would he have learned it?
Italy's miles from here.
SHARON -- Larry is not a reeking, stinking, unshaven, baggy-pants wino.
CHRIS -- Oh Sharon, I think maybe father time has sweetened your memory just
a bit. 
GUS -- Give it up Chris. If that was Larry there's no way he woulda let us
bring him back to her.
CHRIS -- Ya know come to think of it, I don't remember Larry throwing up so
much. Jeeze well I guess I have been had, and by the best in the business
too. You know, I gotta hand it to you pal, you had his voice and mannerisms
down pat. I aughta rip you apart. Come on, let's go. 
WINO -- No capice (etc.)
CHRIS -- Yeah okay fine. 
WINO -- (Italian [?])
CHRIS --  Shows over. We'll see you at the Sands Rich Little. (throws him
out)  Oh boy. A thousand apologies to all concerned, but especially to you
dear Sharon, for raising your hopes so high, only to dash them on the rocky
shores of Crackerbox Palace.
SHARON -- Get out.
GUS -- I can't help but notice that you're in an awful big hurry to get rid
of us.
SHARON -- Now why in the world would that be?
GUS -- You know what I'm starting to think? I'm starting to think that maybe
Larry's not out there at all. Maybe Larry's right here, and this broad is
speaking in half-truths.
SHARON -- Just what are you insinuating?
CHRIS -- Ah ah. Shh shh. Gus' mind is starting to work. Listen, you can
almost hear the sound of cranks and pullies.
GUS -- How come you were so sure that wasn't Larry even though his best
friend and a wrongly dismissed cop were duped?
SHARON -- Because Larry's best friend and the fired cop ARE MORONS!. 
GUS -- You knew that wasn't Larry because Larry is dead!
SHARON -- What?
GUS -- Murdered in cold blood, chopped up and feeding the worms in the back
yard.
SHARON -- Oh really.... 
CHRIS -- Yes yes, oh it's true.
SHARON -- Ow.
CHRIS -- The evidence is overwhelming. 
SHARON -- Oh please. 
CHRIS -- Oh, this is so exciting. This is just like one of those
murder-mystery dinner things except there's no hors d'oeuvres and Jamie Farr
isn't in it. 
SHARON -- Chris, you were here. You saw Larry leave.
CHRIS -- Don't tell me what I saw. That could have been done with mirrors.
You do use mirrors don't you?
GUS -- Ooh what I wouldn't give to poke around in that backyard of yours. 
SHARON -- Oh what I wouldn't give to poke around in that thick skull of
yours.
GUS -- Let's get out of here before we're numbers two and three.

POTTER DOORWAY

GUS -- Relax kid. Wherever Larry is, he's in a better place than with her.
Even if he's lying in a ditch with his hed ripped off.
CHRIS -- I just can't give up I, it's just not in me. I have no choice. 
GUS -- Try. Dig down...deep.
CHRIS -- (big sigh) Okay he's gone. Thanks a lot. 
GUS -- Good work. 
CHRIS -- Well now that Larry is no longer in my heart. I guess the task
before me is as clear as a new-born baby's phlegm.I must fin a new friend.

LATER

CHRIS -- (middle of the street) New friend. New friend. New friend. New
Friend. New FRIEND!

BIKER BAR 
(jukebox playing "Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places."

CHRIS --  Eh hem. Hi fellas. Will you be my new friends? Jacks...Gum? 
 
GUS' LIVING ROOM
(door knocks)

GUS -- I'm not here. Go away or I'll put a round through your forehead.
CHRIS -- Oh Gus, Gus. It's so wonderful to hear your comely voice again. Oh,
oh. mm.
GUS -- Kid, you get any blood on my carpet and I'll knock the rest of your
teeth out. 
CHRIS -- Gus, it was horrible. I was in a bar. Ow oh. And they got mad. And I
got hit. And there were fists and there were wigs. And.....I think
those....jacks are giving me indigestion.
GUS -- They made you eat jacks?
CHRIS -- No....but they're in me.
GUS -- Quit your whinin.' Here put this on your eye.
CHRIS -- Oh, thank you. Wait a second. Gus, could it be possibly true? Do you
know that nobody has ever given me their used ice before? 
GUS -- So. You owe me one.
CHRIS -- Suddenly it's clear. It was you that stuck behind me through all of
this. You clutched my hand when I faltered and grabbed my tender engorged
breast upon stumbling.
GUS -- Would you shut up. I'm trying to watch my stories.
CHRIS --  All along I was looking for something out there that was sitting in
here, watching old reruns and eating curdled oriental food. Something that
screamed "new friend" with every wheezing cough from it's ravaged lungs.
Something...called Gus. (hugs him)
GUS -- The last guy who got this close to me is swinging from a tree in 'Nam.


GARAGE

CHRIS -- Bee bee. Bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee. Woagh. Oh my god. It's the
ghost of Larry Potter. Oh Larry, I promise, I promise I'll change my ways I,
I really do like Christmas. I do. Look, I'm going out right now to buy the
biggest goose in the window. 
LARRY -- Chris! I am not a ghost.
CHRIS -- Oh yeah right, you're not a ghost. If you're not a ghost, how come
you can go right through this wall. Huuagh! (throws Larry into wall) 
LARRY -- Oh!
CHRIS -- Oh jeeze Larry, I... guess you're not a ghost. Ah...sorry about
that. 
LARRY -- I wandered around for most of the day. And I had nowhere to go so I
came over here. I don't know what to do now. I want to go home but I'm afraid
of what Sharon's gonna do to me.
CHRIS -- Well Larry relax, it's not going to be worse than anything you can
see on "Hard Copy." (laughs) Hard Copy. (sniffs) Oh Larry, no seriously pal,
you, you gotta go home. 
LARRY -- You're right. I guess even with all the trouble I love my family.
And like anything good you have to work at it. 
CHRIS -- Well that's, that's very true, Larry. And you know you're family
really loves you and, they care about you, depend on you too. Especially
those kids. (echos) Think about your job, (echos) your morgage, (echos) all
those financial burdens, (echos) leaky roof, (echos) plumbing bills, (echos)
all those chores (echos). I think I'm getting a cancer soar. Would you be a
love and just take a look. Do you see it? Larry? Larry. Larry? (sees note)
Hello. Huh. (reads) "Dear Chris , Thanks for making me see the light again. I
was a fool ever to return. Larry. P.S. This time I'm truly gone forever."
Just some more of Larry's meaningless poetry. (laughs) The poor dumb sap
can't put two coherent thoughts on paper. Hm. I'll call him tomorrow.  Huh.
Hm.(sniffs)  (Chris eats note)Mmm Mm Mm Mm Hmm. etc.

THE END