GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CHRIS MOVES OUT 23. 11/09/91 "CHRIS MOVES OUT" (201) David Mirkin, Adam Resnick / David Mirkin Much to his parents amazement (and joy), Chris finally leaves home and rents a room with a "garage motif" from gruff ex-cop Gus Borden. (Peterson kitchen) CHRIS -- Ah dear parents, I bid you goodmorning. And now with your permission I would like to commence with something I like to call the "I have a bid announcement to make dance." Hm. I have a big announcement to make. I have a big announcement to make. I have a big announcement to make. Announcement, announcement announcement.... FRED --- Allright boy. Enough already. What do you think this is, Studio 54? GLADYS -- He's right sweetheart. Besides you know acting goofy on an empty stomach always makes you vomit. CHRIS -- Okay. Woo. Boy for some reason dancing always makes my groin hurt. Wa ooh. (laughs) Anyway mother, father?: as you both know, today is my birthday. FRED -- How old are you anyway, fifty? CHRIS -- (laughs) Oh Daddy.(laughs) No no. Today I'm thirty one years-old and that leads me to my big announcement. (clears throat) Do you know what I found on my pillow this morning? FRED -- Oh my god, lice? For crying out loud boy, you'll infest the whole house. CHRIS -- No Dad no, I didn't find lice. I found hair, my hair. At least I'm, I'm, I'm pretty sure it was my hair, I mean I suppose there's an outside chance that a small albino ape crept into my bedroom window while I was asleep and then put his head on my pillow but I think it would have... FRED -- Get to the point, you simp. CHRIS -- Well the point is I, I'm getting too old. I'm, I'm getting to old to live with my mother and my father. I mean, thirty was fine but , come on thirty one? (laughs) Jeeze we're talking dorksville--dorksville U.S.A. 10020. At any rate dear parents, at this point I would like to announce to you that I'm officially, unequivically, irreversibly and pookie plockily, moving out. FRED -- Yeah, I'll belive it when I see it. GLADYS -- Chris honey, I hope you're not jerking us around again. You really are leaving this time aren't you? CHRIS -- Yes Ma. No, this, this is the real thing. This is an end of an era. As they say in the Jewish religion when a boy turns thirty one; Today I am a man, I'm leaving home. Oh ho ho. Oh. (laughs) Well, I guess the only thing left to do now is for me to express my feelings....in song. (sings) We had joy. We had fun. We had seasons in the sun. We had wine but the wine like the seasons have all gone.. FRED -- Alright. Get the hell out already. "GEORGIE GIRL" MONTAGE 1804 YORK LANE CHRIS -- (knocks on door) Hm. They must not have heard me. Ah, I guess it's time for the heavy artillery. (bangs head against door) GUS -- Hey! Get outta here you bum. The train tracks are on the other side of town. CHRIS -- Sir please, before you embarrass yourself any further, let me assure you I am not a hobo. GUS -- Don't give me that crap. I've rousted enough transient butt in my day to know a slobbering brain-dead derelict when I see one. CHRIS -- Okay fine. I see I'm going to have to prove something here. Ah. Ah Sir ah, what does the lable on my pants say? GUS -- Jordach. CHRIS -- Correct-a-mundo. And how many bums do you know that wear designer pants? GUS -- Point well taken. Sorry chief, what can I do for ya? CHRIS -- Well um, according to your ad in the classified section here um, you have a room for rent. GUS -- I don't have any room for rent. Wait a minute that's not my address. CHRIS -- Oh. Oh Jeeze I, I'm sorry I must have misread it. I wanted 23 Maple and, and this is a... GUS -- 1804 York Lane. CHRIS -- Right, right. Yeah well I, I guess you must get that all the time what with the, you know the phonic similarity and all that. Anyway, a thousand apologies sahib. And I do hope you enjoy the rest of your day. GUS -- Get lost, ya jerk. CHRIS -- Oh. What a sweet man. GUS -- Hey kid. Ah, how much were you ah, planning to spend on a place? CHRIS -- Ah, one hundred and fifty dollars a month. GUS -- Well you know, ironically you are in the right place. Yeah, I must have given the paper the wrong address by mistake. I got a habit of placing ads when I'm drunk. My name's Gus. GARAGE GUS -- Well, this is it. CHRIS -- Hm. Yeah, very interesting, huh. Now it's funny it, it kinda looks like a garage. GUS --Yeah, there is a slight garage motif. That's what I had my designer go for. CHRIS -- Oh yeah no I, I think it's actually that garage door over there that gives it that whole garagey feel. GUS -- Actually that's what they call a French horizontal door. It lends itself to the overall French/Garage theme. CHRIS -- Ah yes huh. Oh well, then I take it you've been to gay Paris? GUS -- Oh yeah, I'm over there at least once a month...you know basically ah...clothes shopping. CHRIS -- Sounds fun. (laughs) (sniffs) Hmm. Now that's interesting. Is that me or does it smell like cars in here? GUS -- Naw that's probably that pile of gasoline-soaked rags. You'll find that after awhile the fumes'll make you happy. CHRIS -- Well, well this place has everything. Jeeze (laughs) Well Gus, in, in keeping with my lifetime history of making snap irrational decisions. I'll take the place. (laughs) Let me have the least and I'll put my old Bob Hancock on it. GUS -- Ah here, just sign this. CHRIS -- Okay. Well now that's, that's odd this looks like a receipt for an oil change. GUS -- Yeah, I'm saving paper it's ah, a whole rain forest deal. Ah, here's the key to the place. It's one of those electronic jobs. You might have a rough time getting copies made. CHRIS -- Wait a second Gus. This place is a garage. And don't try to deny it either because it says garage right here on this little crazy gizmo that you gave me. GUS -- Allright you got me. It's a garage. CHRIS -- Well that's great. (laughs) I like it even better. Oh my gosh, ya know. Ah, this is like a dream come true. All my life I've lived over a garage and I could only dream of what it would be like to, to actually live in a garage. Oh sure, let all the ordinary losers live in their apartments and their, their posh mansions and their...laundry chutes. I wanted a special place a, a place that's different, a place that's, that's holy, a place that's only reserved for precious, exalted, shiny cars. GUS -- Yeah right, ah. Well, here's your fully executed copy of the lease. And ah, welcome aboard tenant. CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) Well thank you very much, Gus. (laughs) As Bogart said at the end of "Casablanca," I think this is the begining of a two guys who kinda tolerate each other. GUS -- I'm going for a beer now. Don't bother me. CHRIS -- I think I've died and gone to heaven. LATER CHRIS -- I'm home, homie, homo, homeroonie. Well, you know now that I look around at this place it's a bit of a reeking filth-hole. Well, I better just roll up my sleeves and start sprucing up the place. CAPTION: Seven Hours Later CHRIS -- (Chris has added only a vase of flowers) There, just so. (laughs) Whew boy, that was a bit of an ass-grinder. Now this place is almost clean enough to have sex in. Unfortunately it's time for bed. (laughs) Well, wait a second. Mom and Dad aren't here. I can stay up as late as I want. This calls for some wild cavorting in my undies. Oh now come on, just because your Mom and Dad aren't here it's no reason to go hog wild. Besides they're right, If I don't get my nine hours of sleep I get very cranky and very colicy. GUS -- Hey kid. CHRIS -- Aah! Aah! Who are you? GUS -- It's Gus. I own the place, remember? Are you some kind of squirrel-brain or something? CHRIS -- Oh. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, what do you require of me sir? GUS -- Well I thought you might need some blankets. They stink a little but I didn't think you'd mind. CHRIS -- No, you're right I don't mind. Thank you very much. GUS -- Hey, you really fixed the place up. You've got a decorator's eye. CHRIS -- Yeah um. You know I'm right in the middle of preparing for bed here and ah, well I have quite a vigorous toilet ahead of us. GUS -- Don't let me stop you kid. CHRIS -- Do you mind if I ask you what you do for a living sir? GUS -- Oh, I'm ah, retired. CHRIS -- Oh ah, retired from what? GUS -- I was a cop for awhile, okay. CHRIS -- A cop.Wow. Hey, that's really neat. (laughs) Could you get free hot dogs? GUS -- Neat? You want neat kid? I'll give ya neat. Neat is when you bust you're butt for twelve years protecting scum like you and then they tell you you're through at thirty nine, just because one night you had a few too many and your partner dared you to pee on the captain. CHRIS -- Could you get free cheese? GUS -- Hey kid. Are you from one of those institutions that lost it's funding and had to kick everyone out into the streets? CHRIS -- Would you teach me how to sew? GUS -- Look, I'm just gonna grab a couple of pounds of bacon for breakfast and then I'm gonna go. By the way, I know how many steaks are in there. So don't try any crap. CHRIS -- Ah hey, hey listen, wuh, wouldn't you like to stay here and, and tell police stories un, until the sleep pixies come? (Gus slams door behind him) I guess I'm gonna just have to rename him Mr. Grouchie-pants. Okay. LATER CHRIS -- Dee dee dee dee dee etc. Oh boy, my first night alone in my new place. (laughs) Suddenly I'm a strong, young, viril, sexy bachelor. (laughs) My life is gonna be great from now on. Huh huh. I can play my bongos as loud as I want, I can have as many women women as I can lift. (laughs) I'm gonna become a responsible, independant man. Hm hmmmm. I miss Mommy and Daddy. (cries) Okay come on, come on relax. You're thirty one years-old and according to many experts that's old enough to spend one night alone. GUS -- (sings "Blue Moon" from behind the door) CHRIS -- Well see there, there. There's somebody on the other side of the wall there not, not unlike Daddy. GUS -- (gargles, wretches and coughs) CHRIS -- Jeeze, what the hell is that? He could be a monster. I didn't get a good look at his teeth. What if, what if they're razor-sharp and pointy? And, and his stomach's a little pudgy. What if he has a young boy in his stomach already? (grinding sound from behind the wall) No, he could be sharpening an axe right now. What if, what if he's a madman and, and he wants to cut me up into a thousand pieces until I'm just a couple more slabs of bacon in his, in his freezer from hell? What if I've just fallen into the lair of the Devil himself? He's balding exactly the way the Devil would be balding, isn't he? Yeah, he is. He's gonna kill me. Yeah. He's gonna kill me. No. Ah ooh agh oo He's gonna kill me. ahh oaho ahaa etc. (Chris has panic attack) GUS -- What the hell?!! CHRIS -- aahh ooah ooah. You're gonna eat me! GUS -- Would you shut up you fat creep! CHRIS -- Must....Kill....Evil. Bugh ugh.(Chris attacks Gus) GUS -- What are you doing you maniac? (Gus gets Chris is a half nelson) CHRIS -- Agh agh. Be merciful. Kill me quick. Stab my neck. GUS -- Look you schizo, I'm not going to kill you. CHRIS -- Listen not to the Devil, for he mixes lies with the truth...and vermooth. GUS -- I could kill you right now, but I'm not going to. (Gus releases Chris) See? That proves that I'm not gonna kill you. CHRIS -- Oh...yeah...I do see. Well, okay...Hey, I'm sorry about that whole "Devil thing."(laughs) Sorry. Hey ya know I, I think this little episode has, kinda brought us closer. (laughs) Ya know something? I think I feel a hug and a moment coming on. Come on. GUS -- Touch me and I'll punch your teeth through the back of you're neck. CHRIS -- My, we're so afraid of our emotions, aren't we? GUS -- Look, I'm going to bed now. But if you scream again, I will kill you. I can't believe what I let into my house for a lousey one fifty a month. CHRIS -- Well, it shouldn't be too bad, I don't think. Oh, it's kinda comfy. Okay. Oh, ah this is good. (spider on Chris' pillow) Aagh aagh aagh etc. GUS -- That's it, you're a stiff in the river, ya little puke. CHRIS -- You don't understand it was a giant spider, a giant leggy spider on my pillow. GUS -- So? There's spiders all over this garage. CHRIS -- Well, what if he crawled up into my underpants? GUS -- Look girlie, a few arachnids aren't gonna hurt ya. I probably even have a couple on me. (Gus turns revealing several spiders on his back) CHRIS -- Aagh aagh oh aagh.. GUS -- Allright sissy-butt. If you dont like it, I'll just spray a little insecticide. (Gus empties can into the room) CHRIS -- Oh thanks...Oh...Thank you...I feel better...uh...hmm (Chris gets woosie and passes out) GUS -- Oooh, I shoulda read the label. MORNING CHRIS -- Oh jeeze. Ooh. Whew Oh my. Agh. Hey, I did it. I spent a night by myself. Which proves that I can live alone in my new home like a full-fledged adult. And having proven that I see no reason to put myself through that living hell ever again. CHRIS' OLD DOORWAY CHRIS -- Oh my old sweet sexy room. I was such a pompous fool to have left you. Okay. Huh? KITCHEN CHRIS -- Mom, Dad. Did you notice anything...out of the ordinary about my old room? GLADYS -- We kept it exactly as you left it dear. FRED -- Then had it filled with cement. CHRIS -- Jeeze, I've only been gone since yesterday? FRED -- Well, some guys'll work at night if you throw enough money around. CHRIS -- Hey you, you know I tried calling you guys last night and for some reason I couldn't get through. GLADYS -- We had the number changed. FRED -- They had a half-price thing going if you also changed all the locks on the doors. CHRIS -- So what's the new number? FRED -- It escapes me now. GLADYS -- We'll call you with it. CHRIS -- No don't bother, that won't be necessary (starts bawling) because I want to come back home. FRED -- I knew it. Under twenty-four hours. You owe me ten bucks Gladys. And he's crying, you owe me another five. CHRIS -- Oh, great. Oh, wonderful. Well, then it's all settled. I'm moving back. Now, just until I get the tunnel started into my old room I guess I'll have to be bunking with you guys, huh? It'll be like re-living my late teens. FRED -- Chris, have you ever heard the term, "No way in hell?" GLADYS -- Chris, your father has strong feelings, and I myself would rather rip off my own head than have to ever lay eyes on your damn sticky laundry again. CHRIS -- Oh, okay. (laughs) Wait a second. Allright I know what you two guys are trying to do here. (laughs) Okay. You're acting this way to make me grow up? (laughs) It's that tough love thing, right? (laughs) You care enough about me to hurt me? FRED -- More than you know. CHRIS -- Well this is a valuable lesson. FRED -- We're glad you're getting that angle on it, Chris. But we don't care if you learn a damn thing. The point is they'll open a Vatican in Vegas before your butt ever touches a mattress in here again. CHRIS -- Father, dear father, thank you, thank you. You're the greatest. Ah ha ho jeeze. Boy, you know you've done everything right in bringing me up. That should be obvious. It's the reason that I rose to head paperboy in a scant fifteen years. Now you've given me the greatest gift of all; the gift of knowing when it's time to move on. I truly do believe that now in my cholestoral clogged heart. And well, hey, since I've learned this lesson so well, what do you say we all celebrate by having one last breakfast together, huh? FRED -- Chris, please don't make us call the cops. CHRIS -- You never stop teaching do ya? You old braggart. Well farewell sweet loins of whom I am the fruit of. FRED -- Did he just call me an old bastard? GUS' DOORWAY GUS -- I thought something was stinking up the place. This rodent must have crawled under there and died. Well, we eat good tonight, huh? CHRIS -- You're all I got left. (hugs Gus) GARAGE CHRIS -- Well, this is quite different person from the hysterical young boy who couldn't get to sleep last night. Hm. Tonight is a new begining for me. Tomorrow is the first day of the last ten years of my life. I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna make my own breakfast and do my own shopping and sign up for jury duty. (laughs) Boy, I love my new home and my new life. Hm. And ya know, I don't know if I've ever felt more secure and safe in my whole life. Hm. (In a reverse zoom the camera reveals Chris covered in spiders, a plie of rags catching fire and Gus in the foreground sharpening an axe) THE END