GET A LIFE SCRIPT  --  THE PRETTIEST WEEK OF MY LIFE


 2.  09/30/90  "THE PRETTIEST WEEK OF MY LIFE"
 Writer: Adam Resnick, Chris Elliott / Director: David Mirkin

 Chris enrolls at the Handsome Boy modeling school, and becomes a male 
 model named Sparkles.  Unfortunately his career is shattered when asked
 to pose topless, but Chris goes on to fulfill his dream of appearing in
 a runway show at a department store.  

    Ted Bains ......... Brian Doyle Murray
    Sapphire .......... Tuc Watkins
    Photographer ...... Duke Moosekian
    Stage Manager ..... Willie Leong



KITCHEN 

FRED -- What's with him? I haven't seen him this happy since he had his
picture taken at the Auto show with Adam West.
CHRIS -- (laughs)
GLADYS -- Son, is everything allright?
FRED -- Did you make a new friend on the teen chat line?
CHRIS -- No, it's nothing like that. Mom, Dad, I've got a little surprise for
the two you. I think I might just buy you a thirty-room mansion in Beverly
Hills California complete with push button phones.
GLADYS -- Did you win that raffle at the paint store?
CHRIS -- No Ma, I won the genetic raffle. Look at this face, what do you see?
Look at it Dad, what do you see? What do you see? Say it, say it. 
FRED -- Uh ee, it's a face.
CHRIS -- Yeah, but what kind of face?
FRED -- Uh, pale, pastie, psychotic?
CHRIS -- No Dad, it's a neatly chiseled, well-groomed, drop-dead handsome
face.
FRED -- Chris, have you been using polyurethane in an unventilated room
again?
CHRIS -- No. Now, brace yourselves you two. I'm going to become a male model.
Well, you're always saying I can do anything I want to do if I put my mind to
it. This is something I can do without putting my mind to it at all.
FRED -- Yeah, but Chris you can't just walk in to the glamourous high-paying
world of male modeling it, it takes hard work, it takes dedication and...
GLADYS -- And a semi-moderate amount of attractiveness.
CHRIS -- Ma, don't you think I know that? I'm like a rough diamond that just
needs a little polishing that's all. And that's exactly what Handsome Boy
Modeling School's going to do for me. Look at this ad I found in the
Pennysaver today.
FRED -- (reads)  "Handsome Boy Modeling School wants handsome fellas to train
to become successful male models. Bring your beautiful face and a check for
sixty dollars down to our swank offices located off route nine behind the
Carpet Warehouse." Son, maybe you oughta think about this a little more. 
CHRIS -- Dad, I can't, I'm not getting any younger, these are the prettiest
years of my life. I'm late for my personal interview. Now, when I walk out of
this door here, it would be nice if I knew in my heart that I have your
blessings, you best wishes and your full support.
FRED -- Well, you don't.

HANDSOME BOY OFFICE

TED -- .....be beginners luck.
CHRIS -- Hi, I'm here for the interview.
TED -- Oh sorry, I'll be right with you. Uh, hey, you didn't park in the
Carpet store did you? Because they'll tow you, they're bastards. Honey, my
ten o' clock's here, I gotta go. Yeah well just, just keep it in the trunk
and I'll take care of it when I get home. I love you too. How 'bout that my
wife just bagged her first deer.  
CHRIS --Wow, she sounds like a wonderful woman.
TED -- She is, ah not much in the face department but she's got a heart of
gold. I'm Ted Bains, President of Handsome Boy Modeling School. Welcome to
our swank offices. You have the sixty dollars?
CHRIS -- Ah, well Mr. Bains, why don't you first tell me a little bit about
the Handsome Boy curriculum, hm?
TED -- Look son, we run a very intensive one-week program here. It's not for
everybody. If you qualify you'll be taught all the ins and outs of male
modeling but, excuse are those, are those cheek implants?
CHRIS -- Ah no, not that I know of. 
TED -- Well then you got some great cheekbones.
CHRIS -- Wow, well thank you.  I always thought my nose was my best feature.
Can you see it? Take a look. 
TED -- Yeah, good nose. It's a Roman Pug which is very rare. You're really
lucky. So let's answer a few questions here to see if you qualify, name?
CHRIS -- Ah, Chris Peterson.
TED -- Okay, occupation?
CHRIS -- Ah, paperboy.
TED -- And you're giving that up to become a male model? That's gutsy kid.
You got something down below, uh? Alright now, would you consider your build
to be musclar/athletic, trim or lean?
CHRIS -- Ah, well actually it's more like soft dough. 
TED -- Allright and ah, lastly.....are you or any member of your family
affiliated with the television program "60 Minutes"? 
CHRIS -- No, occasionally I enjoy Andy Rooney but that's....
TED --  That's okay I like him too. Allright well let's add up your score and
see if you qualify then. Yep, just as I figured, you qualify.  You got the
sixty bucks?
CHRIS -- Yes I do.
TED -- Then you just sign here and you are now officially a Male Model in
Training.  Here's your trainee cap.
CHRIS -- Wow.
TED -- First class is tonight. You'll be instructed by an internationally
famous male model. And good luck.
CHRIS -- Thanks Mr. Bains. I won't let you down. I promise. 
TED -- Well as long as this check clears, you're aces with me. 

HANDSOME BOY CLASSROOM

CHRIS -- Wow. Hi. Ah, excuse me is this seat taken?
SAPPHIRE -- Actually it's reserved for a model in training not for members of
the custodial staff.
CHRIS -- Oh my, sounds like someone's drawing battlelines, well. Let me tell
you something pal. What you're going through right now is called an awkward
stage, okay? You'll grow out of it. I was an ugly duckling once too. Now look
at me, I'm a beautiful swan. 
SAPPHIRE -- Let's get something straight you...little troll. You can sit
there but I don't have time for your inane swalkings. I'm going to graduate
head of the class. I'm going to make so much money I'll be able to buy my own
island in the Carribean. 
CHRIS -- How exciting. Can I just say one thing? You're nuts. You're living
in a fantasy world.
SAPPHIRE -- Stay out of my way, understand? Because this rockets headed for
the stars and there isn't enough oxygen up there for the two of us. 
CHRIS -- I'm sorry, what did you say? You got a butt-lift? How embarassing.
(laughs)
TED -- Ah, students please take your seats. Let's begin. I'm Ted Bains,
President of Handsome Boy and I am your modeling instructor.
CHRIS -- Ah, excuse me, you're the internationally famous male model?
TEd -- Sort of, I used to appear at home improvement shows as "King Plywood."

CHRIS -- Oh.
TED -- Allright now I will be instructing you in all areas of fashion
modeling. You'll learn all the basid poses. Such as the "Gee, I wonder what
time it is" pose, and the "What's off in the distance while I'm being
handsome" pose, and of course the ever-popular "Could I have a side order of
bacon with that please?" pose. 
CHRIS -- Ah, excuse me, I can do those poses in my sleep. Am I going to be
able to move at my own speed in this class or, or am I going to have to keep
pace with the rest of these snails?
SAPPHIRE -- Is it possible for you to go five minutes without saying
something stupid? 
CHRIS -- Actually no, I think thirty seconds is my limit.
SAPPHIRE -- (Chris wiggles his finger in Sapphire's face) What are you doing?
CHRIS -- I'm not doing anything, this is just the way my body is and where my
hand is. I'm in my own space, there's absolutely nothing illegal about it and
you can't do a thing about it.
SAPPHIRE -- Yes there is, I can slap your hand away.
CHRIS --  Okay that's assault and battery and now I can sue your ass.
TED -- Hey, come on you two, no cat fights in my classroom. Ah what's your
name, son?
SAPPHIRE -- I am Sapphire.
TED -- Great name, very classy, I like that. And what's your name again?
CHRIS -- Ah, I am Sparkles.
TED -- Interesting. Well Sapphire, Sparkles, all of you. This next week will
be full of a lot of pain and a lot of sweat, it won't be easy. Some of you
won't make it. Those of you who do may achieve the ultimate pinnacle of this
glorious occupation--a runway show at a local department store. 
CHRIS -- Ooh.
TED -- God how I pray that you all have that experience just once in your
life. And now, gentlemen, let's make models.

MODEL MONTAGE (to the tune of "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison)

TED -- Right the attitude is like saying "Scum. You're all scum. I'm better.
You're all scum." 

HANDSOME BOY CLASSROOM

TED -- Students, stand up. (class repeats) "I promise to uphold the high
standards of the Male Modeling profession, to give one hundred percent at
every photo session, to be punctual and reliable and not to throw too many
hissy fits." Models, sit down. 

KITCHEN

FRED -- Hey Chris, what are you walking like that for, did you dislocate your
hip?
CHRIS -- Dad, I'm pacing and that's my model walk and for the last time my
name is not Chris, I'm Sparkles. Chris is dead and he's never coming back.
It's been a week since I graduated "Handsome Boy." How come nobody's called
with any work for me?
FRED -- I don't know. About an hour ago I accidently knocked the phone off
the hoof for three second, maybe everyone tried to call you then?
CHRIS -- Dad, how can you be so clumsy at a time like this? If they can't
reach me they'll give all my jobs to Sapphire.
FRED -- Who's she?
CHRIS -- (telephone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it. Hello, hello? Yes, this
is Sparkles Peterson. Oh hello Mr. Bains. Yes, I'm available. Forth? uh, well
fantastico. Yes, I'll be there with bells on. Bye bye. Well, Mr. Naysayer I'm
going off on my first professional modeling gig.
GLADYS -- Who's it for, dear?
CHRIS -- You know Ma, I forgot to ask. I only know it puts me one step closer
to the ultimate pinnacle of success in my field--a runway show. 
FRED -- You know Chris, I'm gonna to be honest with you. I was a little
dubious when this whole thing first began but now I gotta tell ya I'm, I'm
really impressed. Go get 'em Speckles.
CHRIS -- Thank you, it's Sparkles, but thank you.

PHOTO SHOOT

ASSISTANT -- So, are we going to finish up the ad for Muscle Quik today?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Yeah we got the ah, after shot now we got to do the before.
Some fat guy's coming in.We're gonna take his picture in the same pose and
then we slap on muscleman's face, you know that old scam.
ASSISTANT -- Oh. 
CHRIS -- Wow.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- There's Mr. Muscle-less now. Great, he's a real blob. 
CHRIS -- Hi, Sparkles, profession male model.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Sparkles huh, you like work for the circus or something? 
CHRIS -- You know, I never have, but ah, that would be a challenge, those
people put in incredible hours. So ah where do I get made-up?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Ah well, you don't need any make-up for this. 
CHRIS -- Oh you know, you're probably right. I have ah, what's called
combination skin, and that seems to have a glow of it's own under the lights.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Exactly. Why ah, why don't you, why don't you move right over
here .... 
CHRIS -- Right over here?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- And ah, we'll line up the shot, allright? 
CHRIS -- Great. Ah. So what's the shot for anyway?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- You don't know?
CHRIS -- No, they just said it was a rush job.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- You must be another "Handsome Boy" graduate. 
CHRIS -- Yes, I am.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Well actually this an ad for a new ah, health drink. 
CHRIS -- Oh, well, fabulous. Yhat's wonderful I wish you much luck with it.
(laughs) So ah, does this mean they'll be a ah, free crate of the stuff for
moi. (laughs) You know because, I've heard about those kind of perks. 
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Why don't we get started?
CHRIS -- Sure. Oh nice. What is that a little reggae? Yeah, that's nice. That
aughta loosen me up alittle.  Okay, ready, something like this?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Great. 
CHRIS -- Okay.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Unbelievable.
CHRIS -- This?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Good, good. You know what? Let's, let's try some crazier
stuff, okay? Why don't you ah, why don't you take your jacket off?
CHRIS -- Great idea. I should have thought of that myself. Terrific idea. Ah,
okay, something like this? 
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Good, good.
CHRIS -- Hey, okay.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- That's incredible. 
CHRIS -- Okay.(laughs) 
PHOTOGRAPHER -- There it is.
CHRIS -- Oh wonderful. I can't believe I'm actually modeling. And I'm really
good at it too, aren't I? (laughs)
PHOTOGRAPHER --  You know what? 
CHRIS -- Yeah.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- You know, why don't we take the tie off, throw it in the air.
Go nuts boy. 
CHRIS -- Yeah, great, terrific idea. I thought, I'm new at this but. Oh.
(laughs)  
PHOTOGRAPHER -- You're a natural. 
CHRIS -- And the poses their just ,their kinda like pouring out of me. 
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Okay, take you're shirt off allright?.
CHRIS -- Do what?
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Take your shirt off. You said you were a professional model
now we gotta have this for the ad.
CHRIS -- Well nobody said anything about taking the shirt off.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Don't worry about it, you're doing fantastic. (Chris takes
his shirt off) Yeah. Allright yeah yeah relax.. Well that's fantastic.
CHRIS -- Is this what you're talking about. (sobs)
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Beautiful, beautiful. That's it.  Yeah some more of that. 
CHRIS -- No. That's it! I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you. Well I
guess I just got my first taste of the filthy side of this buisness. May I
remind you sirs, I am a male model not a male prostitute. Ooogh. I'm going
home now....to vomit.
PHOTOGRAPHER -- Turned out to be a lovely day, didn't it?

POTTER LIVING ROOM

LARRY -- Are we almost done sweetheart, my legs are getting a little numb? 
SHARON -- Just shift your weight honey, I gave you a break an hour ago. 
LARRY -- Looks like Bobby's getting ready to faint again. 
CHRIS -- Ooooh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoooh etc. 
AMY -- Fresh air. (kids run out)
SHARON -- Amy and Bobby you get back here, I'm not done yet. 
CHRIS -- Oh Larry, Larry you're not going to believe what I've been  through
today.
SHARON -- Chris.
CHRIS -- Uh?
SHARON -- You do not live in this house.
CHRIS -- Uh huh.
SHARON -- If you want to come over call first. This will give us ample time
to get in the car and drive away. 
CHRIS -- That's very nice Sharon, just stamp on my heart in my time of need.
Larry, I just came home from my first modeling gig. It was a total disaster. 
SHARON -- Who would have guessed.
CHRIS -- Larry it was awful. They treated me like I was Marilyn Chambers.
They made me take off my top. 
SHARON -- Thank you for putting that image in my mind. 
CHRIS -- Don't you understand? Those photos could wind up anywhere. Oh,
modeling just sucks. I'm completely revolted and disenchanted. Pretty much
the way you probably felt on your honeymoon.
SHARON -- Chris, Chris it's real simple what happened here. You wanted to be
a male model but you can't be and as usual you are the last one on the planet
to figure that out.
CHRIS --  You know Sharon, for once in your life you might be right. I guess
I just couldn't see beyong the brim of my "Handsome Boy" trainee cap. I'm a
failure as a model. 
SHARON -- That's not exactly true, you're a failure at many things. 
CHRIS -- All I'll ever get are cheap sleazy ads while guys with half my looks
will be prancing up and down the runway at Drexler's Department Store making
everyone in the audience feel like dirt. Damn, why can't that be me? Wait a
second, it can be me. It can. You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna go
down to Drexler's and I'm going to live my dream. One way or another, I'm
going to be in a runway show.

BACKSTAGE

CHRIS -- Hi
MAN -- How ya doing?
CHRIS -- Oh my god, they're gorgeous. (takes jacket, runs off)

LATER

CHRIS -- This is the most beautiful piece of clothing that I've ever put on
my body. 
STAGE MANAGER -- Okay, this is it folks, line up.
CHRIS -- My first runway show, and I'm only thirty. Sapphire!
SAPPHIRE -- Sparkles?
CHRIS -- What are you doing here?
SAPPHIRE -- I'm in the show honey, what are you doing here?
CHRIS --You're in the show, who did you sleep with?
SAPPHIRE -- I got my job through the Ford Agency, sweetcakes. What agency
could you possibly be with? 
CHRIS -- Oh well, I'm actually with the "I'm Better Than You Agency" it's
affiliated with the "I Hate Your Guts Agency." 
SAPPHIRE -- Wait a second, I know what you're doing, you're crashing the
runway show you pathetic little titmouse. 
CHRIS -- Yeah, that's right pal, and nobody's gonna stop this little pathetic
mouse tit or whatever the hell you just called me. Come on move it out, move
it out . 
CHRIS -- Ooh un Jeeze. (they fight)
SAPPHIRE -- Agh. 
CHRIS -- Oh. Who's the little titmouse now? 
SAPPHIRE -- Ow, stop I bruise easily.

RUNWAY
  
ANNOUNCER -- This year Misha Yakatira flatters the buttocks with bold black
while delicately highlighting the groin area with double pleat and avoiding
the extentuated shoulders of the eighties.

BACKSTAGE

CHRIS and SAPPHIRE -- (Struggle) Oooh Eagh. Eagh. Ooh. Ow Ow etc. 

RUNWAY

ANNOUNCER -- The overall silhouette commands attention while gently guiding
the eye to the groin area without betraying the muted beauty of the buttocks
region.

BACKSTAGE

CHRIS -- Allright Sapphire, I give up. You win. 
SAPPHIRE -- Good. Oh my god. It's Misha Yakatira, in person. 
CHRIS -- Oh that's him, huh? 
SAPPHIRE -- Uh huh.
CHRIS -- Huh. What was that Sapphire? You're going to go out there and stick
your backside out in an unflattering way?....betraying the muted beauty of
the buttocks? But.....that would go against everything Mr. Yakatura's trying
to achieve this Spring. 
SAPPHIRE -- Shut up. It isn't true. Stop. I would never betray the muted
beauty of the buttocks region. He's an imposter. He barely graduated
"Handsome Boy." Let me go.
CHRIS -- Oh my, that's sad isn't it? (laughs) Well, I have to go model Mr.
Yakatira's new Spring line now....properly. Excuse me. 

RUNWAY (to the "Mahogany" theme)

CHRIS -- (voice over)  I had finally made it. It was a dream come true. Every
penny of the sixty bucks I'd paid Handsome Boy was up there on that runway.
The crowd looked on with a combination of awe, love and admiration. And I
could tell by the faces of my fellow models that was doing everything just
right. (they scowl at Chris) I even caught a glimpse of my old instructor,
Ted Bains and I could tell he had never been prouder. (Ted eats hotdog)
Everything had come full circle. I could now retire with dignity. But for a
few moments I was a star. I felt like a cross between Samson, Valentino and
for some reason Nancy Reagan. It was the single most beautiful experience of
my young life with the exception of the moment when some fat guy threw his
sneaker at me for no apparent reason. Before I knew it, security forces
rushed the stage to protect me from my adoring fans. Someone once said that
the worst thing about climbing a mountain is that once you reach to top
there's nowhere else to go. Well, I don't know what the hell that means. I
think it has something to do with camping.  But one thing I do know is that
for a single fleeting moment I had peaked. I was a winner. I felt like
Secretariat the night he won the Indy 500.

THE END